Hard Review of Soft Candy

When focused, I’m a vegetarian. Like a 1960 Zenith black & white television relying on a rabbit ear antenna for reception, I tend to normally be out of focus. In unfocused times, I’m a lacto-ovo-vegetarian which means I also eat lactos and ovos, small mammals of the badger family. Normally I am a pescatarian, which means I eat what I want when I watch Joe Pesci movies. Sometimes I devolve into a scavengerian, which means I eat whatever my wife or youngest daughter refuse to eat because of taste, freshness or an abundance of mold spores.

For me, the health Holy Grail is to be a vegan. I’m not sure exactly what that means I can and cannot eat but will probably eat anyway due to being oh so weak, but I had to dip my palate into vegan waters (brrr, cold!) when I saw this product today on the shelf in the local grocery store …


I was definitely in the mood for something from the gummy food group, so I was intrigued with the idea of paying more for less of a product because it claims to be vegan. I was a little worried about what I assumed was the freshness date …

Gummy Date Code

I opened the package and gazed at the soft pastels colors. According to the package, there were no artificial colors.

Gummy crop

I could live with that. My mouth watered as I anticipated the natural gummy flavors to experience like blue raspberry, but without the artificial colors. Then there’s the joy of the gummy texture providing just enough resistance to the dental infantry before surrendering and allowing the taste buds to take all that gummy flavor deliciousness as prisoner.

However, my choppers encountered zero resistance. They cut through the blandly-colored gummy like my rapier wit through this blog post. So it turns out that the key to the wonderful gummy texture is the gelatin that is non-existent in the vegan version because, well, it’s made from cow and pig leftover body parts.


However, the softer and less gelatinous the gummy, the sooner one can get to the yummy gummy flavors. I could see that as a plus. The only problem is that there really aren’t any blue raspberries, so all the natural flavors tasted as bland as the washed-out natural gummy colors looked.

In conclusion, this product can be fixed very easily. The blase natural colors can stay. Just add back a little gelatin and artificial flavors. Instead of labeling it Vegan, maybe try Scavengerian.