Tag: funny

~ Jim Flanigan

We are starting a remodel of our master bathroom. Last night, we went to look at bathroom vanities at a closed fitness & massage storefront with a street address of 10039 & 1/2. I thought those fractional addresses were only found in Harry Potter novels. As we arrived, an old man with an Eastern European (?) accent accosted us in the parking lot and called inside to tell the seller that we had arrived. This morning, I purchased one of the vanities for cash only with no receipt given from the back of the seller’s rented truck in a gas station parking lot. I’m starting to think this deal may be a bit shady.

I, Monster

~ Jim Flanigan

Take a look at the soap I’m using these days …

I count at least 5 bars used to make this Frankensoap monstrosity. But I need to come clean. I don’t want to shower you with dirty lyes. As I prepare to add another sliver of soap rejected by my wife, I realize that although there may be a monstrosity residing in my soap dish, the real monster is its creator … me.

Happy Halloween? Not for the Face-Covered Piñata

~ Jim Flanigan

My 12 year old daughter is still casually interested in Halloween. She was thrilled to see we received this invite from a neighbor.

I have so many questions …

  • If everyone brings a face cover for the piñata, isn’t that going to be too many for the piñata to wear?
  • Does the piñata really need a face cover?
  • Can’t the piñata provide its own face cover?
  • If the face covers are for party attendees to wear, are they because of COVID or is the piñata loaded with shrapnel?
  • Can we use the water provided to clean our potential shrapnel wounds?
  • Is a piñata a small piña?

I expect my daughter to attend, stand around, try and look cool, and not attack a defenseless piñata. But she will definitely be wearing a mask, just like all of us should when we are around other non-piñata humans.

 

A New Cartoon? (God help us all)

~ Jim Flanigan

That’s right, from the same mentally unstable creative team that gave you award-losing cartoons such as Mulch Ado About Nothing, Mite Be Funny, and the Pulitzer Prize-ignored Flies On Washington Walls comes a new cartoon called …

Flies On Mike Pence’s Head

Well, that didn’t go as planned. Maybe we’ll give the creative team their meds and rethink this while you enjoy a song.

How Dumb Can Trumpers Be?

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

One of my neighbors allowed me to plant a nice row of 5 Democratic candidate signs at the back of their property along a main road.

There are 4 signs of very important candidates that we hope will flip our county board Democratic, flip an Illinois House seat Democratic, and retain Democratic control of our House of Representatives seat on the federal level. The least important sign is the Biden/Harris sign in the middle. The Biden/Harris race is OVER in Illinois. They should win Illinois with 65% of the vote.

So, what sign gets stolen by Trumpers? That’s right, the Biden/Harris sign. That race has never really been in doubt in Illinois.

I gladly replaced the Biden sign, hoping the idiot Trumpers take the bait once again and steal the Biden sign while leaving the rest. Don’t let me down, dummies.

Emily Can Rot in Paris

~ Jim Flanigan

Deep dish pizza is kind of a Chicago thing. Is it healthy? No. It’s a round disk of tomatoes & sauce on top of a glob of melted cheese packed inside of a delicious crust. Add meats and veggies to taste. There is no more delicious crust than Chicago’s own Lou Malnati’s pizza. It took me a couple of pies before it hooked me. Now, no other deep dish pie comes close for my taste because of the Malnati’s crust. Here’s a pic of a Malnati’s slice/complete meal.

But apparently there’s someone in Paris that disagrees about the deliciousness of Malnati’s pizza. Someone named Emily. Lurking about on Netflix. Here’s the headline …

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Flies On Washington Walls #185 – The Buzz About the VP Debate

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

~ Jim Flanigan

Am I the only person surprised that Trump’s Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany didn’t call a press conference to announce that she tested positive for COVID?

Putin Trump in Thoughts & Prayers

~ Jim Flanigan

I did my best to temper what I said on social media after Trump tested positive for COVID. Please be assured I sent my thoughts and prayers, although I won’t say what I was thinking or praying for.

What really surprised me is this bit of news involving Vladamir Putin …

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Happy Birthday, Mr. President

~ Jim Flanigan

I wanted to acknowledge President Jimmy Carter’s 96th birthday and wish him well. He’s helped construct more meaningful buildings with Habitat for Humanity than Trump has ever contracted to build.

Since allowing a grifter like Trump to occupy the White House for almost 4 years while keeping and profiting off all his business holdings, Republicans should be ashamed that they required Jimmy Carter to divest himself of his beloved peanut farm. But of course, they have no shame. I would be all for contributing to buying Carter a new peanut farm, but I don’t think it is a very appropriate gift for a 96 year old.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

El Gourdo

~ Jim Flanigan

I see in Vermont that they have grown a huge zucchini.

I think that’s great. If you read the article and watch the embedded video, you will learn the grower thinks the perfect weather and soil contributed to the enormous size of this gourd. But then it gets a little weird. There is a little extra the grower provides …

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~ Jim Flanigan

I don’t blame Chris Wallace for this debate debacle. I blame the people who sent Chris Wallace out there to moderate without a taser.

Motivation Recalibration

~ Jim Flanigan

I had slipped into a summer exercise routine that felt as comfortable as my fat pants with the stretch waistband after about 20 wearings without a washing. I would get up early and take a long solo walk or bike ride. Most days I would stop at one of the many wild berry patches I had scouted and pick fresh mulberries, raspberries, or blackberries for my consumption that day. After work, I would walk the dog and swim some laps in our little pool. Then the weather started to change. We had a stretch of rain and cold. No cycling for a week. I took down the pool before it turned into an above ground ice skating rink. So much for my swimming workouts. I immediately started to gain back the weight I had lost. My quest for a 20 lb. weight loss seemed unattainable.

But then, one man inspired and motivated me to try and make that weight loss happen. Who, you ask? I’m pretty sure I heard someone ask. Come on, raise your hand if it was you asking. Nobody, huh? Regardless, that man is …

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