If Meat is Murder, Then What is Dairy?

Maybe robbery? I’m not sure, but I am certain that I do try and avoid eating meat, primarily for religious reasons as I am an ordained Dudeist priest. But it is also a super-healthy way to avoid eating very tasty, enjoyable food. So, when I got the call to do a taste test for a plant-based food, I was all in. Plant-based eats and paying me money to shovel them into my pie-hole? It was too good to be true. I headed over to pick up my food for an at-home taste test.

As I drove over to the testing facility, my mind spun with all the plant-based food possibilities. Maybe it would be a savory rump roast made entirely from chickpeas? Or, perhaps it was a complete Thanksgiving dinner molded out of ground brussel sprout meal.

Instead, it was this …

Yep, a cracker. To be fair, there wasn’t just one in the bag. There were plenty of little plant-based crackers for me to nibble on. As I demurely savored each and every one of them, one question haunted me. Aren’t all crackers plant-based? I don’t think they are routinely adding pig snouts to Ritz Crackers as filler. I do recall a short-lived cracker competitor to Ritz called Rots Crackers made entirely of rotting roadkill, but it never garnered a following outside of West Virginia and was pulled from the market. So, I took a look at the ingredient list.

No real surprises there. And definitely “taste” is not an ingredient on the list as they were quite bland. So, definitely a plant-based snack, or was it? After the ingredients, came this disclaimer.

Wait just a second there. Milk isn’t plant-based. And what are the top 8 allergens? Aren’t all “top” lists traditionally Top 10?

Sorry, Casey. That’s way too many allergens. Anyway, I was surprised to see there is a Top 8 list of allergens.

Now hold the phone. The whole left side of that image displays non-plant-based items. And if the supposed “plant-based” crackers may contain them, are they really plant-based?

I was ready to go to the press and blow the lid off this plant-based cracker scam, but then I got a call from the testing facility. They liked my test responses enough that they invited me back for a focus group that will involve more food in my mouth and more money in my wallet. I decided that I wouldn’t be able to talk to the press if my mouth was full of …

“delicious plant-based crackers.”


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