Vampire Resistant

Well, I tried. I really did. I went to my appointment earlier this week and got my mini-physical. Turns out that I’m in excellent health, thank you. Although I’m not sure how good of a physical it really was as they would not let me drop my pants or take off my shirt in the office. I then answered a bunch of questions about my health history before I was ultimately rejected and went home in disgrace. Just to clarify, in disgrace is normally how I return home from everywhere.

That’s right, they didn’t want my donation of blood plasma without a doctor’s note from my dermatologist verifying that she has my skin cancer under control. No problem, right? Uh, actually …

The very next day I heard that the biopsy my dermatologist took last week tested positive for skin cancer. It is a basal cell carcinoma which is the least dangerous of skin cancer types. Great timing since May is Skin Cancer Awareness Month, and if you have any funky, unusual, oddly-colored, or irregularly-shaped growths on your skin, see a dermatologist for a full body check. And wear sunscreen for crying out loud. Don’t get parts of your body cut away every year or so like me. My fear is that my dermatologist will cut so much off me that eventually there will be nothing left of me, and I’ll just disappear into the ether. Hmm, maybe I should start gaining weight now to make more of me. Anyway, here is a link with a good explanation of skin cancers.

My dermatologist has advised me that she wants to do Mohs surgery on me to remove this cancer. I heard Mohs, and I was immediately concerned that it might be more like this kind of Moe’s surgery.

Mohs surgery is more cosmetically-forgiving than just melon-balling out the cancer. Maybe my dermatologist knows I was up for a film role as Family Member #2 and wanted to preserve what remains of my good looks for Hollywood. By the way, I didn’t get that part, but I was invited to apply for a role as Funeralgoer in another film. If the Mohs surgery is botched, maybe I’ll be more suited for the role of Corpse in the film.

I think for now I will put the blood plasma donations and film roles on the backburner until I get through the surgery next week and subsequent healing. Besides, my side hustle as a product market research subject has really taken off and is keeping me busier than a MAGA hat salesperson to the US Supreme Court justices. I have 3 studies scheduled this month, and I just applied for one that I really want. It’s a frozen drink (like a slushie, slurpee, or squishee) taste test that is close to my home. Yes, there are risks. I could suffer a massive brain freeze.

There is also the risk that they might try out some new flavors on us.

Gross. But it’s great money, so I’ll risk it. My wife suggested that old men is not necessarily the target market for frozen sugary drinks without alcohol. She didn’t want me to get my hopes up. Too late!


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