Where’s My Free Scorpion?

I shop at a local Aldi store a couple times a month. Never have I received one of these with my fresh produce, but I want to, because, well, someone else got one free.

Of course, this happened in Australia. Where else? They have so many dangerous, deadly creatures there that I think they probably expect to find a scorpion in their vegetables. Here’s the comment from the woman who found the scorpion.

‘I’m happy dealing with caterpillars and bugs in fresh produce but was shocked to see a scorpion crawling around. He was very much alive and very cranky.’

Here’s Aldi’s response:

‘We strongly encourage customers to bring issues to our attention directly so we can review,’ Aldi said in a statement. ‘Without contact with the customer, we can confirm that it is very unusual, and that this broccoli hitchhiker isn’t where they belong — which is likely back on our Aussie producers’ farm.’ 

I’m pretty sure that the Aussie producer’s farm would disagree with Aldi’s statement. Nobody wants a scorpion. Except, maybe me. My daughter has asked me recently about getting pet fish. I have considered it. But what about a more interactive pet? Here’s a pic of the actual scorpion found in the broccoli.

It’s hard to gain perspective as to how large the free broccoli scorpion actually was, but it’s likely not too big or it would be hard to hide in a head of broccoli. Looks kind of cute in a deadly sort of way. How fun would it be for my daughter to feed the scorpion?

Okay, maybe not as cute as I had hoped. Well, if the scorpion doesn’t make a good pet, there’s always this option.

Free protein! If you are not a fan of the taste, smoke ’em if you got ’em.

Of course they are. And why? Here are the pros and cons from the article.

“Why go to all the trouble? For starters, scorpions are a cheap high that can last anywhere from 10 hours to three days. The high is said to be so powerful that it outstrips heroin and provides a euphoric, floating feeling bolstered by the ability to remain completely alert. The downside — and it’s a pretty big one — is that the person spends the first six or so hours in pain while their body adjusts to the toxins. Oh, and it’s possible to experience short- and long-term memory loss, sleeping and appetite disorders, a constant state of delusions or death.”

That sounds nice. In conclusion, as someone who has worked in sales and marketing for his whole career, I think Aldi would be missing a great promotional opportunity if they didn’t hire the Scorpions to rerecord this song as Broccoli Hurricane.

Don’t be afraid. Sing along. Broccoli hurricane. I know, it makes no sense, but it would make for a memorable commercial.

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