Another Spoon Post, In Spife of Myself

No, that’s not a typo in the title. We all know what a spork is, right?

No, no, no, not a Spock, but a spork.

There, that’s better. A spork looks like the bastard offspring of a spoon and a piranha. I do want to be careful, not just because of the sharp, and dare I say potentially deadly, tines. I need to be careful about blogging too frequently about spoons. That can’t be a good direction for any blog.

But I feel compelled to advise our readers that in my business travels a couple weeks ago, I came across a weird spoon hybrid abomination from the depths of hell that I call a spife. I was looking for a quick nutritional pick-me-up from the store as my family doctor had advised me to cut back on the cocaine while driving. Well, an hour into the drive and I’m already sleepy with nothing to snort. Some doctor, huh? Where did he get his doctoring degree, Trump University? I stopped at a truck stop, grabbed a quick shower next to a friendly, chatty trucker named Starlus who kept dropping his soap like a LOT, and although they were out of cocaine, I grabbed a container of mandarin orange slices to give me a little blood sugar boost. That’s when I first encountered (hopefully for the last time) the eating utensil packed with the oranges that I call a spife.

Yep, that’s a spife. No, not the penny, but the one on the right that looks like a spoon and a knife ran into the mad scientist from the Human Centipede movie. The orange slice and penny are just pictured for perspective, which is what I need more of.

As you look in awe and wonder at that picture, these questions may swirl through your mind:

> Why would a serrated edge be needed to cut through a soggy mandarin orange slice?

> Who cuts mandarin orange slices?

> Why would you want to hold the spoon part with your disgusting hands to cut the orange slice, and then grab the sticky serrated knife part to use the now germ-filled spoon part to scoop half a mandarin orange slice into your mouth?

> Did Jim eat the penny?

The answers to those questions are yes, 14, beige and Franklin, in no particular order.

So as you travel the world, keep your eyes open for the spife. Or is it a knoon? I guess that remains the big unknoon.