I Was Duped By a Can of Water

For those that know me, the title of this post will come as no surprise. For those that don’t know me, why don’t you take some time from your “busy” schedule to get to know me. I like movies, going out to eat, mini-golf, and sports. How about you take me out for dinner? Even better, take me and my family out to dinner. On second thought, take my family out for dinner and I’ll stay home and relax. They can tell you all about how wonderful I am. Then again, they’ll do anything for a free meal. Do you think we have money to spend at restaurants with me blogging all the time?

When you are out to dinner with my family, be careful of the water you order. I recently tried to enjoy a tonic water. The dictionary definition I found for tonic is “refreshing.” If you don’t believe the dictionary, just look at the can.

It says right on the can that it will be refreshing. That’s just what I want out of my water, refreshment. As a bonus, there is crispness and the quinine, whatever that is. My internet search revealed that quinine is quite bitter. Bitter is what I have come to expect from my life, not my water. But that can claims refreshment despite the quinine, and it delivered as advertised, with no bitterness.

So how do they do that? A closer look at the can before recycling revealed …

34 grams of sugar and 130 calories. There’s nothing like corn syrup to hide the bitter taste of the quinine.

I’m trying to drink water in order to drink less soda, consume fewer calories, be a little healthier, and delay purchasing a men’s support undergarment. But if my water is loaded with sugar and calories, then I may as well just be drinking soda. So here’s a radical idea … don’t put bitter stuff like quinine in the water and sugar won’t be required to mask the bitterness. This sugar water scandal needed to be exposed, and since nobody I spoke with (some called it ranting and raving incoherently) seemed to care, I took the responsibility onto my hunched shoulders.

In an attempt to understand if any flavored water is safe to drink, I headed down to the store and spent the day looking at all the various flavored and sparkling waters available. They filled a whole aisle at the supermarket! I had no idea there were so many options. At store closing time, the manager asked me to vacate the “soda” aisle and the store. Oops, no wonder there were so many flavors!

I headed back to the store the next day to the water aisle to discover not as many choices. I was able to identify that there are zero calorie flavored water choices available. I started marking those with a permanent marker in order to easily identify those when I came back to do my shopping. The store manager intervened and apparently had some “problem” with me marking through the bar codes. Once again, I was asked to leave the store, but not before they thoughtfully took my picture. I was also flattered by the assistance they provided all the way out to my car.

When I returned the next day, they provided the same escort service back to my car, but that was before I had even made it completely into the store. I returned with a fake beard, eager to bust this water scandal wide open. Unfortunately, my fake beard got distracted by the free samples available in the deli section and was last seen gorging on provolone and salami bites while I was researching in the water aisle. I was easily identified and escorted from the store.

I began to see a pattern here, and since my fake beard had proven unreliable, I considered my options. The obvious choice was for me to grow a real beard, but that involved time and dedication to a cause, neither of which I have. Then I asked myself, “Could there be another store that also sells water?” I answered affirmatively and was soon engaged in a lively conversation with myself about the merits of pudding. After “we” were done conversing, I headed off to another store. A-ha, another water aisle!

I tried documenting my research with charcoal sketches as I thought it would make my expose’ a little classier, but then I realized that America doesn’t want class. Case in point … Donald Trump. In fact, it is likely that America has stopped reading by now. America likes pictures and videos. So take a look at this picture below that will blow the top off the sparkling water industry.

OK, I guess it won’t blow the top off the flavored water industry, but that tease got you to look at the picture, didn’t it? It turns out that seltzer water is the zero calorie water choice, while tonic water is sugared. If I had to choose based on name alone, I would always choose a tonic over a seltzer as I try and avoid using any products that contain the letter “z.” I can proudly say that I have never played a zither in my life. It looks like I will have to make an exception when it comes to flavored sparkling waters. Seltzer water has become the flavored sparkling water of choice for me, and it is indeed also crisp and refreshing, but you know what? It could use a little sugar.

(Credit to the great Groucho Marx for use of a couple of his humorous concepts used to set-up my own dumb jokes.)