I never want to find out that I have or had COVID-19 coronavirus, but am asymptomatic. I think that would only further fuel my delusions of immortality.
Tag: funny
Chickening Out
I saw this news piece from the AP about an aggressive chicken in Alabama attacking ATM users.
Then, I saw this report from UPI …
Mite Be Funny #168
Words Matter
For my upcoming book of short stories (available later this year), I just finished the next-to-last story that included such grim topics as:
- Exotic animal parts trade
- A seedy Bangkok marketplace
- Robbing a dead woman
- Drinking from poisonous plants
- Pregnancy out of wedlock
- Body modification
- Testicular implants (this is not the body modification mentioned above)
- Gambling
- Grave desecration
Oh, and I almost forgot … country music. *shudder*
And yet, my editor called it “sweet.” Do I need to get a new editor?
I think the only part of this COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic I will miss is the smell of hand sanitizer masking the evidence of my day-drinking.
Mite Be Funny #167 – Belated Multi-Panel Doggone Earth Day Special Edition
It All Adds Up to the Mark of the Beast
A very learned, scholarly friend sent this to me.
I summarily dismissed it as a clever meme, but utter nonsense. And then I took a closer look at the numbers using ancient secrets of numerology. My eyes were opened.
First, I assigned numbers to M A G A according to their position in the alphabet.
No Signs of Intelligent Life
This push to “liberate” states and reopen the US prematurely is ridiculous. This place doesn’t want to have to choose between libety or a tranny. Wait, what?
I think they may mean liberty and tyranny. At least this next guy knows he has rights, but unfortunately also some spelling wrongs. Continue reading “No Signs of Intelligent Life”
Hello, Neighbor
Our internet tends to be annoyingly spotty at times. As soon as this isolation is over, we’ll be changing internet providers. So, occasionally I must click on my computer to see what’s up with the internet connection. In the past, I’ve spotted the FBI with a van in the neighborhood.
Should that really be discoverable? Isn’t that a tip-off to criminals that the FBI may be coming, so flush the drugs? Not that I would know anything about that.
The other day I was again trying to see what’s up with the internet. This really got my attention.
Mite Be Funny #166
Tough Sledding Ahead
I came upon this brand new sign at our local park, most likely as part of the COVID-19 coronavirus shutdown of all park equipment and features.
Somehow I think I’ll be able to comply. I’m going to put away my toboggan for the season. And that’s not a euphemism!
A Pie Caught My Eye
I love discounted pie (good name for a band, but perhaps a bit derivative considering Humble Pie). Despite the band name controversy, just bought one yesterday on the 15th that expires on the 17th.
Here are the Top 5 reasons I love discounted pie.
5) Pie is awesome. Duh!
4) Pie has been successfully used as part of a band name. See above.
3) Cherry pie > apple pie. Okay, I guess that has nothing to do with the discount, but I was short a reason.
2) The expiration date being so close encourages me to eat more pie quickly. That’s always a good idea.
1) 1/2 Price is almost 50% off!
Police Brutality
I really think the police in Taneytown, Maryland are overstepping their bounds and infringing upon our rights with this Facebook post.
I reserve the right to handle my mail pantsless. Oh, that did not sound good when I read that last sentence to my wife.
Twin Twin Books
I thought I was safe telling everyone to search for “parasitic twin” on Amazon when looking for my novella called My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President.
What could possibly go wrong? Well, this could …
Mite Be Funny #165 – Happy Easter?
Why Do Republicans Support Trump? Mystery Solved!
Why Republicans support Trump has confounded me over the past 4 years. Seemingly intelligent family and friends blindly follow Trump regardless of what idiocy he spouts or does. It is truly bewildering. But I’ve finally solved the mystery, thanks to Facebook.
I noticed this Facebook challenge that one of my Facebook friends did.
That Facebook friend is a staunch Democrat, hence the blue D. Okay, I’ll admit it. 24 is not the correct answer. There are 18 triangles. How can I be sure? I used to be a math major in college, I’m an annoying smarty-pants, and in my spare time, I enjoy looking at brightly colored geometric shapes for hours on end. 18 is the correct answer.
Now take a look at how a loyal Republican answered.
Continue reading “Why Do Republicans Support Trump? Mystery Solved!”
Show Me The Money!
We’re not rich, but it turns out my ancestors were. While my oldest daughter shelters-in- place, she delved further into our genealogy. She found my great great grandfather’s will from 1899. He appears to have come to the USA during the Irish Potato Famine (bad name for a band) and amassed a small fortune. His $4000 cash on hand would be worth about $125,000 today. And the real estate that he owned free and clear would be valued at about $600,000 today. And the real estate generated over $30,000 a year income for him in today’s dollars.
I never have cash on hand, although there may be loose change in the couch cushions. My real estate is valued about half of that, which I guess is okay since the bank owns most of it. My adult children living with me pay no rent. What happened?
Somewhere along the way, my family tree became diseased and never produced money again. I guess I am as much to blame as anyone. In my post yesterday, I vowed to donate all proceeds from my political novella. That is no way to get rich.
My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President
The long-dreaded novella is finally released. I have teased it on this blog before with excerpts. Despite all the warnings and pleadings from my psychiatrist, adviser, priest, therapist, mentor, rabbi, psychologist, consultant, minister, counselor, guru, internet stalker(s), pastor, life coach, wife and kids, I decided to publish anyway. Why would they protest? If the title doesn’t tip you off, maybe the book cover will.
You can purchase here … https://tinyurl.com/BuyTwinBook. Just 3 bucks! If you are outside the USA, try your local Amazon site and search for “parasitic twin.” All you need is an Amazon account. You can download this digital novella to your phone, computer, tablet, or Wang word processor.
ALL proceeds will be donated to worthy candidates and causes in advance of the 2020 election. In other words, Democrats. You will be donating over 2 bucks (our royalty from Amazon after Jeff Bezos takes his cut) to excellent causes.
For more background on Ray & Gary Czyzylck, visit www.elect-ray.webnode.com. If you want, you can email Ray at rayczylzyck@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @czylzyck.
WARNING: This novella promises to be unlike anything you have ever read. Keep medical supplies close by when you read it just in case your sides split from laughing too hard.
Buy this book. Ray and Gary are waiting patiently. Come on. Stop reading and order. There are no more jokes in this post. Order now.
Mite Be Funny #164 – Special Palm Sunday Multi-Panel Edition
Quadruple Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?
I have a brother-in-law who donated a kidney to his brother-in-law. Not sold. Not lent. Not rented by the hour. Donated. Free! He’s a good guy.
Now I hear that he gets blood platelets drawn every 2 weeks. I didn’t know that was even a thing. But the first thing that came to my mind was “How much does it pay?” Am I a bad guy? (#1)
For your information, he gets nothing for it. The difference between donating blood plasma and blood platelets is that red & white blood cells are retained by the donor when donating platelets only. Of course, my immediate thought was that donating complete plasma > donating blood platelets only. Am I a bad guy? (#2)
It turns out that my brother-in-law donates the platelets only because that allows him to donate more often, every 2 weeks. From the Red Cross website, I see that blood platelets can be donated every week. I wondered why my brother-in-law wasn’t donating more often. Am I a bad guy? (#3)
I guess I can cut my brother-in-law some slack since he only has one kidney. The bottom line is that he’s a great guy. I don’t even donate blood because … I’m diseased.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 