I have an eye condition. It takes a lot for me to go see a doctor, but I did for this one. I’ve been seeing things in my right eye. Floaters, indistinct shapes, sometimes insurance salesmen. The latter terrifies me. I’m used to hearing things and actually enjoy the conversations I have with the voices in my head. But what am I supposed to do with the visions? See a doctor, I guess.
Well, that turned out to be an unpleasant visit. The supposed retinal specialist poked and prodded my eyes with his fingers and finally declared my retina was not detached after I promised to pay my bill within 30 days. If my retina wasn’t detached before the exam, it may be detached now. I’m supposed to “give it time and hope it clears up.” I was doing that quite well before I paid to see a doctor.
I was most disappointed that I did not get an eye patch. I had a job interview coming up, and I thought an eye patch would help me get the job. Now, what kind of a job would that be?
No, not a cartoon mouse. A riverboat captain! We have 2 paddlewheel riverboats run by our local park district that take people for scenic tours up and down the Fox River.
I figured that an eye patch would give me more of a cool riverboat captain look like this.
Except with a lot less hair. And I could use phrases like “aye, aye” and “ahoy, matey.” When asked about job experience, I planned to answer in this manner.
I also planned to state unequivocally that I would not agree to have the ship’s steering wheel in my pants in the hope that the interviewer would ask me why. Of course, I would have a ready reply.
It turns out that captaining one of those riverboats requires more than bad jokes told with a bad pirate accent. The training and skills required include:
“Requires a Master of Inland Waters, 100-ton license with all accompanying credentials. Currently First Aid, CPR and AED certified or ability to become so. Experience handling and docking a vessel over 50 tons. Experience with diesel engines, generators and computers. Must be able to dock unassisted. Must be able to stand or walk for the duration of the shift. Able to ascend and descend stairs and ladders, sometimes while transporting tools or objects. Knowledge and aptitude in vessel engineering, maintenance and minor repair. Good hand-eye coordination, balance and alertness. Knowledge of USCG and IDNR standards and regulations as pertaining to 100-ton passenger vessels. Knowledge of safety concerns pertaining to 100-ton passenger vessels.”
Who knew that captaining a large boat full of people would require all that? What has happened to America and our freedoms to pilot large, dangerous watercraft without government interference? I have a good mind to buy my own 100 ton boat and take it out on the Fox River. I just don’t have the money.
Anyway, the interviewer was unimpressed that I own a plastic kayak. As for the skills required, I think I’ve got the standing for the duration of the shift covered, as long as there’s a chair for me to use to sit and rest.
They do offer on-the-job training. I would start as a deck hand and put in time toward my Master of Inland Waters license. It may take a couple years, but I’ve been assured it’s doable. The biggest problem I see is that as a new deck hand, I would not be first mate. There may be college or even high school students working as deck hands as a summer job with more experience than me. I might be third, fourth, or fifth mate, taking orders to swab the deck from a high school first mate named Skippy.
It seems like I passed my first interview, and they’ll talk to me again in January to see if I want to train to be a captain or be content with being a deck hand. I think you know the answer to that. The sooner I’m captain, the sooner I’ll be able to steer the ship into international waters to stage some monkey knife fights.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 