Hat Trick Denied

I was hoping for a hat trick. No, I’m not talking about our hometown Chicago Blackhawks and their quest for Lord Stanley’s Cup.

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They did not make the playoffs. I am talking about a personal hat trick. I got the phone call from my doctor’s office, and I can’t begin to express my disappointment. Test results were positive. Positive? Positive is always good, right? Nope. I have cancer again, and I am very disappointed in the type.

I saw my dermatologist a few weeks back, and she declared me almost 5 years cancer free since my melanoma surgery when she removed a hockey puck-size chunk out of my back. At least it left a wicked cool scar.

But then, she asked me about that scrape on my leg. Was it a scrape? I don’t know. She gave me a cream to use for 2 weeks. I was to call her in 2 weeks if it wasn’t better. How could I be sure that she wasn’t trying to drum-up business, and that was a cancer-causing cream she gave me? Well, I do trust her, and she has taken excellent care of me.

Anyway, the “scrape” remained and my doc took a biopsy. She thought it may be a squamous cell carcinoma. I was so excited. Sounds very Native Americanish, doesn’t it? I have had numerous basal cell carcinomas and one melanoma, but never a squamous cell carcinoma. I was ready to finally have all 3 major types of skin cancer. Hat trick! I told my doc of my excitement. She said she would be happy to throw a hat at me to celebrate if it was a squamous cell.

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I told her I would prefer the Detroit Red Wings tradition of throwing octopi to celebrate. I am a big calamari fan.

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Just make sure they are dead, please.

octopus attack

Anyway, the phone call was to tell me it is cancer, but only a surface-level basal cell carcinoma. I can’t quite explain how disappointed I was to receive that news. No squamous cell. Hat trick denied. Oh well, summer is approaching. Maybe working on my tan this summer will help me reach my skin cancer hat trick goal by fall.

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My wife suggested no more shorts for me. Capris perhaps?

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I should have just saved all my pants from when I was 5’6″ in high school.

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Maybe not. That looks painfully tight. I think I’ll just stick to sunscreen and my burka.

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