Tag: comedy

Food Transformer

~ Jim Flanigan

It’s a fun time of the year with all the wild Halloween costumes. I do like the creativity of the Transformer outfits, and some are just darn cute.

But I didn’t need a cute Transformer. I needed awesome. Something more like this.

And I needed it to be a Food Transformer. Why? Well, as a fan of plant-based foods, I was anxious to try this, especially since it was on sale.

It sounded and looked healthy and delicious … until I opened the bag. Take a look, and you will see why.

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My Dog Named Dick

~ Jim Flanigan

I wanted to find a fall fair to take my dog named Dick.

We decided on this one.

Republicans Making Positive Progress – An Essay

~ Jim Flanigan

Democrats don’t like to hear this, but Republicans are evolving and becoming better people. Oh, sure, there are those who will point to Marjorie Taylor Greene, George Santos, and Lauren Boebert as examples of Republicans regressing. Granted, they may be rough around the edges, but what guy can honestly say they wouldn’t want to go to the theater to see a show (and possibly more!) with BoBo? Maybe those three are just outliers, or perhaps more aptly termed outliars. But let me offer this recent Speaker of the House brouhaha as a perfect example of Republicans improving. I’ll explain.

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Endless Summer Ends

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

We had extended summer weather into the first week of October here in Chicagoland. Temperatures exceeded 80F (>26.5C), and I took full advantage of them. Outdoor pools and beaches had closed in August, but I still had my secret illegal swimming pond open all year round.

With temps cooperating, I was able to utilize my secret swimming hole in late September and into the first week of October. People do ask me if I feel it is safe to swim in a potentially polluted pond. Well, I saw this near the pond and felt much better about swimming there.

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A Commemorative Day Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

~ Jim Flanigan

I heard today was Lovelace Day, and I immediately wondered why 1970’s adult film actress Linda Lovelace should have a day named after her. After the film that made her famous in 1972, she did become an anti-pornography advocate in the 1980s and beyond. I guess that’s good, but getting a whole day for that? That seemed like a stretch to me.

Then I saw the full name is Ada Lovelace Day, a day to celebrate the achievements of 19th century mathematician Ada Lovelace and all women in science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM). That’s kind of cool and makes sense. Women in STEM rock. There’s not much more for me to do than apologize profusely in a deeply throaty voice and ask, “Am I a bad guy?”

Editor’s Note: Maybe not. I can’t believe I am standing up for this idiot, but Countess Ada Lovelace and Linda Lovelace are somewhat connected through computer languages. From this guy’s blog, we learn “Years ago when I was a university professor, I remember talking about the Linda programming language for a few minutes in a graduate computer science class. Linda is not an acronym. It’s named after a woman named Linda Lovelace. When Linda was being invented, the Ada programming language was new and the topic of much interest in computer science. Ada was named after Ada Lovelace, a woman who was an assistant to Charles Babbage. Ada is often incorrectly identified as having written the first sort-of computer program for Babbage’s hypothetical computer. Anyway, the inventors of Linda named it after Linda Lovelace, a movie star who was the subject of much interest at the time.” I don’t know if that is all true or not. But as for Jim, in conclusion … Idiot? Yes. Bad Guy? Probably not.

Subliminal Advertising Gone Awry

~ Jim Flanigan

I was wandering the grocery store “helping” my wife shop, although I was looking more for deals for myself. This one looked delicious. On top of that, it was on sale, music to my ears.

Yes, I know there are truth in advertising laws, and the product name likely fits perfectly. However, as I stared at the freezer section, I could hear the product taunting me. “Fat Boy, Fat Boy, Fat Boy,” the freezer mercilessly mocked, or maybe it was the store employee restocking the frozen peas behind me. Perhaps it was one of the voices in my head. You know, the one that thinks it’s sooooo smart, fit, trim, young, handsome, and not bald.

Anyway, that subliminal advertising on this delicious-looking product is likely killing sales. It’s not even subliminal. It’s quite liminal. Maybe even super liminal as the title pic suggests. No wonder the product is on sale. I expect the sale tag to be replaced by a red clearance price tag soon. Maybe then, and only then, will this Fat Boy buy the product before they rebrand and reintroduce it as Amazing Slimming Ice Cream Products.

Is This the End?

~ Jim Flanigan

Thank you for reading and following. I wanted to express my appreciation before this happens today in just a few hours and I become a zombie.

No action is needed? Pffft! Plenty of action is needed. The reason?

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Bad Song Lyrics – Sneak Preview

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

There are many songs with embarrassingly bad song lyrics. For example, I have always enjoyed the music of the Electric Light Orchestra, but Jeff Lynne’s lyrics sometimes are a bit middling to be kind. For example, one of my guilty pleasures is ELO’s song “All Over The World.” I love the catchiness of the tune, but those lyrics …

“Everybody walkin’ down the street
Everybody movin’ to the beat
They’re gonna get hot down in the U.S.A. (New York, Detroit, L.A.)
We’re gonna take a trip across the sea
Everybody come along with me
We’re gonna hit the night down in gay Paris (c’est la vie, having your cup of tea)”

They’re bad, but this new series of blog posts isn’t about making fun of the lyrics of successful musical artists. It’s about my song lyrics. Many decades ago, I was a teen full of angst (good name for an album or band), writing songs about the cruelty of a life I had barely started living. I had no clue how cruel life could actually be until I had 5 kids, 4 dogs, a mortgage, car payments, and a leaky basement.

Anyway, I was thrilled when I found my notebook of songs I had written starting when I was still a feckless youth. Thankfully, I eventually got some feck. Anyway, they are dated, unlike I was at the time, chronicling my lyrical atrocities beginning at age 16.

Now at age (number obscured to keep Jim from throwing up in his mouth while typing), I consider myself a halfway decent writer. I was in a songwriting mood a few years back, and I wrote some song lyrics I like. But my lyrics from decades ago? Bad. Very bad. For example, from the unrecorded potential hit single “Lady of the Island” comes these lyrics …

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Not The Wiz

~ Jim Flanigan

Here’s another fact: I’m not the GM. Why am I here writing this when I was supposed to be on a set shooting a commercial in a lead role as General Manager of a local auto dealership? Here’s the “official” explanation:

My role as GM required a 3-day shoot starting today that paid quite well. I’m guessing they found a more attractive, younger, better actor, etc. type of person to play the role of GM. Perhaps it was my suggestion that I wear a trenchcoat and no pants that led them to reconsider choosing me. Maybe it’s for the best. Here are some of the shots that were planned for today.

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Ends Beget Beginnings

~ Jim Flanigan

Not those types of ends as shown in the title pic, although I guess those ends can start something, too. But(t) that’s a post for another day on another blog I run under the nom de plume of Lance Romance. For the purposes of this blog, lots of things are ending in my life right about now. This is a tough time of year for me mentally, but I have to force myself to not just look at what’s ending but also what’s beginning. For example, summer is definitely ending. The air is comfortably cooler and inconveniently wetter. So, what’s beginning? The painfully slow slide of autumn into three brutal months of winter. I really need to work on a more positive attitude. I guess I should look at the looming indoor winter months as an opportunity to get some writing done, like this blog more than once a month.

With the end of summer comes the end of outdoor summer concerts. I saw a few that I enjoyed this summer, but nothing was memorable. I had hoped I could squeeze in a couple more this summer. As I write this, I have free tickets tonight to a concert I thought I wanted to see, but instead I accompanied the family to Woodfield Mall, once the largest indoor mall in the USA when it opened. I was initially excited to score tickets to see Noel Gallagher of Oasis tonight in Chicago. I really like this recent song of his. But I got my n-names confused. It’s Neil Frances playing a free show in Chicago tonight. That’s what happens when you get old. Neil Frances becomes Noel Gallagher in my head but in reality is still Neil Frances, who is perfectly fine but not somebody I would make the effort to see.

I had a decision to make about seeing Blue Oyster Cult, the BoDeans, or REO Speedwagon recently for what most likely was to be the end of outdoor concerts for me in 2023. I was waffling (sans syrup) between BOC and REO. BOC would have required me to park elsewhere and take a shuttle bus to the concert grounds. That seemed like too much work, so I opted for REO which sold out a local 9000 seat facility right on the Fox River at $50 a head. I did the math and am amazed that 50+ year old REO Speedwagon still grossed almost half a million for the show! With the show sold out, parking was limited. So, I parked half a mile away (where’s a shuttle bus when I need one?), hiked to the river, and settled in across the river from the concert venue in my lawn chair to see (through a semi-obstructed view) and hear (nicely) REO’s full set for free. It was a mix of gritty 70’s bar band rockers and 80’s predictably pleasant arena anthems. But what was really fun to see was these three guys taking to the Fox River to get closer to the concert.

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Who Wants a Piece of Me?

~ Jim Flanigan

COVID is rearing its ugly head again, but I read that Moderna’s new vaccine should be very effective against the new variants. Sign me up. I’ve had two Pfizer shots to start followed by two Moderna boosters. So far, so good for me healthwise. Except, I just heard that makes me a non-human Borg Genesis. Don’t go back and read that again. You read it right the first time. Take a listen.

Kudos to @TheGoodLiars for more excellent investigative work. Anyway, I can handle the non-human part. Humanity is continually proving it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I’m fine being a Borg Genesis for a while.

But I am concerned about something else that came up in the video.

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Mite Be Funny – RIP Jimmy Buffett

~ Jim Flanigan

September > August

~ Jim Flanigan

I was thrilled that yesterday September started out better than August. It was actually quite a relief since August was …

Every freakin’ morning in August for 31 painful days, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and was aware of my hair loss. Believe me, I tried to make the best of it. I even followed some advice like this …

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We Are Not Alone – Concert Edition

~ Jim Flanigan

But after raising 5 kids and 11 dogs, I want to be alone. It became obvious to me last night as I took some video (more audio than video since I had an obstructed view) of The Hooters in concert that none of us are alone. They’re here, watching us, and last night they were enjoying some 40 year old music. Who is here? Aliens, of course. And not the kind of aliens the MAGA crowd is always bitching about. I’m taking about the extraterrestrial kind of aliens.

Last night I passed on seeing Tommy Tutone (no original band members!) and Rick Springfield at an 80’s concert. I caught Paul Young singing this song to conclude his set, but his vocals no longer sound like they do in that video. Hey, 40 years is a long time. And I can’t confirm if he can still dance like in the video, since I chose a spot to sit across the river with better sound but a somewhat obstructed view. I was there to partially see & hear The Hooters as I indicated in yesterday’s post.

The Hooters sounded great, but they played a bit too long. When you have to start playing covers to extend your set, that’s too long. But I’m glad they did! We were all waiting for them to wrap their set with “And We Danced,” except for the people next to me who had no idea about anyone who was playing last night.

And maybe “they” knew it was coming, too. They … them … the aliens. I took some video of the brilliant full moon over Aurora, Illinois last night as The Hooters ended their set. I thought nothing of it until this morning when I took a look & listen to the video. There it was. Sorry, there “they” were. No, not The Hooters. Remember, I had an obstructed view. Damn trees. No, they = aliens. Take a look if you don’t care if your mind gets blown.

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New Music For Old Rockers – Concert Edition

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

I was recently listening to my wife’s old college radio station and fell in love with this song. It’s a pleasant pop song that reminds me a bit of They Might Be Giants doing a softer version of a Fountains of Wayne song. Although I prefer more power pop à la Nick Lowe, this new song is titled “The Power,” so there’s that. Enjoy new Diners music!

I love the simplicity of the song construction and the positivity of lyrics like:

“It ain’t too late to understand, too late to try
Too late to recognize the power that’s inside”

Maybe those lyrics are referring to singer/songwriter Blue Broderick of Diners finding the power inside to transition from Tyler Broderick singing about being “Fifteen On A Skateboard” to Blue Broderick today. Regardless, it’s wonderful new music that caught this old rocker’s ear.

That wraps up a nice short post about new music with plenty of links to old music. But you may be wondering how this post is a “Concert Edition.” Well, if you want to go meandering down a concert rabbit hole with me, buckle up and read on.

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I Survived the Heat Dome & Improved the World

~ Jim Flanigan

Make no mistake – the heat was bad. We tickled 100F/38C for the past two days coupled with humidity approaching triple digits. Did you know that the corn we grow in Illinois contributes to the high humidity?

Can’t we genetically engineer corn so it doesn’t evapotranspirate? That would make the world, or at least Illinois, a better place. Meanwhile, I did my best over the past few days of the heat dome to change the world and make it a better place.

I may have eradicated the deadly disease of meningitis, but first, and possibly just as important, I may have been responsible for the introduction of a new snack food.

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I Finished an Octathlon Today

~ Jim Flanigan

That’s right. No mamby-pamby triathloning for me. I went for the big 8-leg octathlon this morning during Day 1 under the heat dome. It turns out the weather forecast showing extreme heat was correct. We have 6 straight days of heat coming. For Day 1, I decided to cool off in the water for 1 leg of an octathlon.

But first, I had to get to the water, so off on my bike I went. It was mostly downhill, so I made it to the pond in under 4 minutes. Leg 1 completed in record time.

Then I had to navigate the hill descent. It’s weedy, tricky, and slippery. First time I tried it, I fell and punctured my hand on a stick. Today it was not an issue. I finished Leg 2 and stripped down to swim trunks for the swimming leg.

My wife called where I’ve been swimming an illegal pond.

Illegal sounds so unseemly. I prefer to consider it a private pond where there isn’t a “No Swimming” sign posted. It’s cold in the deep water which tells me that it is spring fed. There is no algae covering the surface. It is full of frogs and fish but not weeds. It is hidden from any prying eyes. Perfect! Just to be safe, I don’t submerge my face. But I did swim for 30 minutes to complete Leg 3.

Leg 4 required my ascent back up this hill.

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Isn’t a Crash Just a Hard Landing?

~ Jim Flanigan

Saw this from CNN and agree that it is literally the epitome of Breaking News.

Good thing it was unmanned, although maybe a pilot could have landed it. Tesla owners with the self-driving option take note. The end result is the same – failure for Russia on two celestial orbs in our solar system.

It’s NOT a Dry Heat

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

Look, I am not a climate change denier. I know that the US Southwest has roasted under sweltering, record-breaking, albeit dry heat this summer. But I’m in the greater Chicago area. Yeah, it gets hot here in the summer. We’ve used our air conditioning for a few days this year. But normally, 90F/32C is hot for us. And God Almighty, it gets humid here. You know, we have this enormous freshwater lake nearby that can make it feel like you’re breathing water at times.

On Monday, I took a look ahead to next week’s forecast. I heard we have a heat dome coming next week.

Yeah, that is centered just outside Chicago close to where I am. But this forecast is freakin’ ridiculous.

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Intermittent Feasting

~ Jim Flanigan

It was two years ago that I set the dieting and weight loss world on fire with news of my revolutionary Intermittent FATSing diet plan. You can click the link for full details. Unfortunately, the tears I shed from what I discovered was unsustainable weight loss put the fire out. I think the problem was that I did it too intermittently. If only I had named it Continual FATSing.

But I’m back with a new twist. I have combined the concepts of Intermittent Fasting with Unbridled Gorging to invent Intermittent Feasting (trademark applied for). I don’t start eating until 10AM, although I do allow myself water or a cup of unsweetened tea. How do I make it until 10AM if I am up at 6AM? Well, there’s a lot of biting my fingernails going on. Did you know that one fingernail can be chewed for up to one hour before losing its flavor? Oh, and I started smoking.

Anyway, after 10AM, I put on the feedbag for a day of eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m basically ravenous. As the old saying goes in upper crust society …

That’s where the feasting comes in. I eat anything and everything in sight for the next ten hours until 8PM. And it is working. I’m losing weight. I think I know the secret why.

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