Working from home by myself has its advantages. There are the frequent naps, unlimited opportunities to beat my personal butter-eating record, and plenty of time to practice good personal hygiene, which I really don’t avail myself of enough. But it does get lonely. Sure, we have 2 dogs, but they tend to either be sleeping or barking their fool heads off at a squirrel out the window and waking me from my third nap of the day. So, I took matters into my own hands and made a new friend, with made as in constructed. Now, every time I use the bathroom, I get to interract with my new friend. I call him Scott.

Isn’t he Charmin’? I’m flushed with success at making a new friend. Scott’s not much on talking, but he’s a great listener. While I’m taking a tinkle, Scott and I catch up on how our days are going. I roll on and on in a steady stream of conversation, and he listens to the very last drop of my news. Scott doesn’t need to say a word about his day. I know he’s spent his day over the toilet staring out the window.

Sometimes I feel bad when I dump all over Scott. I worry he may be too soft for some of the crap I lay on him. But I’m not shitting you when I say that he doesn’t seem to mind. I know that with Scott’s help, I can clean up any mess I may have made that day. That is, unless he gets into the rubbing alcohol under the bathroom sink and winds up three sheets to the wind.

Okay, gotta go. I need to have a talk with Scott about an argument we had. I want to apologize and wipe the slate clean. I need to tell him, “I’m glad urine my life.”