Place: Jeb! Bush Campaign Headquarters
Jeb to Campaign Staff: “How is it possible that I am now polling at 4%?”
Campaign Staff: “Stuff happens.”
Jeb Stumps Staff
Category: satire
NIU Turns Down Chicago Bears Trade Offer
Chicago Bears GM Ryan Pace has been busy churning the roster, trading veterans Jared Allen and Jon Bostic, while cutting Brock Vereen and signing some free agents to the roster. However, the biggest roster churn attempted by the Bears will not occur. Northern Illinois University has declined the Bears offer to trade rosters. “Our goal is to win the MAC (Mid-American Conference) and compete for the national title,” said NIU Athletic Director Sean Frazier. “I’m satisfied that the roster we have is the best one for us to reach those goals,” concluded Frazier.
Nobody from the Bears front office was available for comment as they were all reportedly scouting a Northwestern University practice.
Jared Allen Traded for 9th Round Draft Choice
The Jared Allen era as a Chicago Bear ended with a trade to the Carolina Panthers for a 9th round draft choice and a bag of new footballs. It was originally reported that Allen was traded for a 6th round draft choice, but apparently the paperwork was read upside down. When reminded that there are only 7 rounds in the NFL draft, Bears GM Ryan Pace was quick to comment, “I want to emphasize that the footballs are brand new.”
Martian Water Wars
The news from NASA confirming evidence of water on Mars has generated great interest in the State of California. Still reeling from drought and wildfires, California is looking at all alternatives for water resources. A spokesperson for Governor Jerry Brown commented, “Getting the water from Mars to reservoirs in California may seem logistically challenging, but with taxpayers footing the bill, it is worth a look.”
Chicago Bears Considering Forfeit Option
The Chicago Bears management team at Halas Hall is considering options after opening the season at 0-3 and losing their starting quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. A source at Halas Hall indicates that Bears brass is considering whether or not forfeiting the rest of the season will result in a better record than if they continue to play the rest of their scheduled games. “The decision may come after the Oakland Raiders game,” the source explained. “I mean, if we can’t beat the Raiders, why play the rest of the schedule? If we forfeit, we only lose 2-0 according to NFL rules. That may be the best we can hope for this season. We can replay games from the ’85 season on the Jumbotron screens and still pack Soldier Field with drunken fans screaming about Da’ Bears. We can rest, get our guys healthy, take the first pick in the draft, and get ready for next season.” Fans surveyed overwhelmingly endorsed the plan and invariably launched into a discussion about Da’ Coach.
Republicans Plan New Debate Format
With the number of Republican Presidential Primary Candidates not declining as quickly as expected, the Republican National Committee is considering a change in their debate format. The current format of an overloaded main debate among candidates leading in the polls as well as a “kiddie-table” debate among those candidates at the bottom of the polls has proven cumbersome at best. Continue reading “Republicans Plan New Debate Format”
Pope Francis Disappointed in US Visit
As the USA welcomes Pope Francis to the country, word has leaked out that Pope Francis is unhappy with the itinerary provided for his trip. Sources indicate that the Pontiff expressed disappointment that despite being in the States for almost a week, there are no visits scheduled to see the Padres, Angels or Cardinals play baseball.
Bears Make Extra Preparations for Seahawks
The Chicago Bears have their hands full this week with extra preparations prior to playing the Seattle Seahawks this weekend. Bears General Manager Ryan Pace explained, “Coach John Fox is very busy this week preparing a gameplan for our guys to execute against the Seahawks, but our front office is even busier this week. We know the Seahawks are an excellent team, and an angry team after losing to the Packers last Sunday to start the season 0-2. We expect to absorb a few deaths this weekend in the course of the game, so we have front office people busy making preparations to ship bodies back to Chicago. Of course, I am occupied combing the free agent list for potential replacements.” The Vegas over/under line for Chicago Bear deaths at the hands of the Seahawks is currently set at 2.5.
New Xenophobia Study
A new article published in the New England Journal of International Studies revealed that 96% of xenophobes in the USA queried did not know what xenophobia is. Of that 96% that did not know what xenophobia is, 100% didn’t like the sound of it because it sounded too foreign and strange.
Mike Huckabee Suggests Future Cabinet Nominees
Mike Huckabee gave America a glimpse of his future Cabinet if elected President when he suggested anti-gay marriage Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis and her husband as possible nominees for Secretary of Health & Human Services and Secretary of Agriculture, respectively. America responded by doing its best to “unsee” that picture of the future.
Rick Perry Volunteers to Secure Borders in Advance of Papal Visit to USA
After withdrawing from the Republican presidential primary, former Texas Governor Rick Perry discovered that he didn’t have much on his plate anymore except waiting around for the felony charge pending against him to work it’s way through the court system. With a visit from Pope coming up, Perry decided to pitch in to get Texas ready for the Papal visit. The Pope is not scheduled to visit Texas, and Rick Perry aims to keep it that way. He’s lending a hand with inflatable fencing to ring the state with the goal to keep the Pontiff out.
“If the Pope sees the greatness of the state of Texas, he may just choose to settle here … illegally,” Perry suggested. He continued, “I mean, where he lives is full of Italians and he’s Hispanic. Why wouldn’t he choose Texas?”
When asked about the effectiveness of an inflatable fence, Perry replied, “He’s an older man, so these inflatable fences should be a cost-effective way to keep the Pope out, unless he brings his Vatican Guard to help storm the border.” Mr. Perry declined to comment on the likelihood that the Pope would fly into a Texas airport rather than walking or driving the Popemobile across the border.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 