Jeb Bush Finds Answers to Slide in Polls
Category: satire
Chris Christie Finds Strength to Finish Republican Primary Debate
Jeb Bush Prepares for Trump Onslaught at Debate
Trump Demands More at Debate
The third Republican primary debate will be shorter this time, truncated to two hours due to demands from candidates Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Perhaps they believe that if the debate goes longer like the previous ones that they will eventually say something so stupid that it will deter voters, but that has not happened so far. I mean the voter determent, not the saying something stupid part which has been constant during this primary race. Continue reading “Trump Demands More at Debate”
Halloween Comes Early to Colorado
Minor Republican Debate Promises to be Stimulating
Once again, the upcoming Republican candidate debate will be preceded by a debate among the candidates that didn’t make the cut for the main debate. Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki and Lindsey Graham will meet in the junior debate before the ten top candidates debate. In an effort to generate interest, any interest, in the undercard debate, the four candidates have agreed to change the format of the debate to a strip poker game during which they will casually debate the issues. This format was only approved under the condition that NJ Governor Chris Christie not be allowed to participate under any circumstances.
Dr. Ben Carson Inks Deal with Comedy Central
Comedy Central can’t wait for Dr. Ben Carson to drop from the Republican primary race. A source inside Comedy Central has revealed that the network has signed Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson to star in a Comedy Central show that is currently being developed for him. Continue reading “Dr. Ben Carson Inks Deal with Comedy Central”
Donald Trump on Hurricane Patricia
The worst was feared as record-breaking Hurricane Patricia reached landfall in Mexico, but thankfully no deaths have been reported. Donald Trump has attributed the lack of deaths to the large number of Mexicans now in the USA illegally rather than in the path of the storm.
Former President Bush Offers Hurricane Patricia Assistance
As Hurricane Patricia bears down on the Pacific coast of Mexico, the Mexican government has declared a state of emergency while cities and towns have been evacuated in advance of the expected 200 mph winds and an enormous storm surge. With the experience of Hurricane Katrina during his administration, former President George W. Bush has reached out to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto to offer his expertise and assistance in handling such a disaster. Bush’s calls have not been returned.
Lincoln Chafee Quits Race
Lincoln Chafee announced he is leaving the Democratic presidential primary race. Twitter and facebook responded by not blowing up.
When reached for comment, both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders asked, “Who?” Martin O’Malley, missing since he announced his candidacy, could not be located for comment.
Benghazi Hearings Infuriate Jim Webb
The House Benghazi committee hearings with Hillary Clinton are infuriating former Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb. Webb was angered at receiving about 50% of the speaking time Hillary Clinton enjoyed during the first Democratic debate, prompting him to quit the Democratic primary race and ponder a run as an Independent. “It’s just not fair. If Hillary gets questioned about Benghazi, then I want my chance and equal time to be questioned about Benghazi,” ranted Webb.
Find Martin O’Malley
Jim Webb to Go Independent
Reports are that Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb has decided to drop from the Democratic primary race. The seemingly angriest Democratic candidate is reportedly pondering a future solo role either as an independent presidential candidate or as a lone gunman.
Oscar Pistorius Transitions From Prison to House Arrest
After being found guilty of culpable homicide and serving one year of a five year prison sentence, Olympic amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has been released on parole under house arrest for the remainder of the four years on his sentence. Pistorius eagerly agreed to the parole board’s offer of house arrest on condition that he wear an electronic monitoring bracelet on his ankle.
First Democratic Debate Rocks Polls
In the wake of the first debate between the Democratic primary candidates, the polls reflect some significant changes and a new contender. Not too much changed at the top as Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders still lead the polls. Clinton polls extremely well with those wearing pants suits, getting approval from over 95% of that demographic. Sanders earned high marks from the “no original teeth” demographic, especially in the Northern states. Those in that demographic polled did complain that the debate was on too late, it conflicted with Matlock reruns, and the mashed potatoes at dinner were too lumpy. Sanders did not do so well in the “no original teeth” demographic in the South where that demographic cuts across all age groups.
Biden Camp Wary of Open Podium at Democratic Debate
While Joe Biden ponders whether or not to throw his hat into the Presidential race, his advisers are working behind the scenes to remove the open podium that is available for him at the first Democratic presidential debate. “In case of Biden break out podium number 6. Here it is folks,” says senior White House correspondent Jim Acosta on Twitter.
Biden’s camp is concerned that if Mr. Biden does not participate in the debate, then the viewing public may find the open podium more dynamic, interesting and appealing than the actual candidate himself.
Trump Miffed By Democratic Debate Snub
Donald Trump is making headlines again as he is reportedly upset about being left out of the first Democratic presidential debate. Trump blasted the Democrat’s decision to exclude him saying, “I was a registered Democrat for years and am a front-runner for President. I belong on that stage to take on Hillary, the old guy and the rest of the losers. Nobody can beat me this election. Nobody can beat me except me. I want the opportunity to beat myself.” I think most of America does.
Democrats Establish Ground Rules for First Presidential Debate
In an attempt to avoid the circus-like atmosphere at the Republican debates, the Democrats have established some ground rules for the first upcoming CNN debate between the Democratic candidates. Of the five Democratic candidates that have been invited to the debate, only two will be allowed to speak, poll leaders Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. A spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee explained, “We want the leading candidates to be able to freely exchange ideas. We want the other candidates that are wasting their time and money not to waste ours and just butt out. But you know us liberals, we want to appear fair to everyone.” Continue reading “Democrats Establish Ground Rules for First Presidential Debate”
Koch Brothers Support Carly Fiorina
Although not directly funding the Carly Fiorina campaign yet, the conservative billionaire Koch Brothers have started throwing support Carly Fiorina’s way. As the Koch Brothers continue to explore which Republican candidate to support since their first choice Scott Walker has left the primary race, they have made an initial overture of support to Carly Fiorina. As a first step, the Koch Brothers have made arrangements to pay for the plastic surgery necessary to smooth Ms. Fiorina’s chin cellulite.
Reportedly, the Koch Brothers are attracted to Fiorina’s ability to ignore facts and create her own reality, the same trait that drew them to Scott Walker.
Dick Cheney Plants Kiss of Death on Kevin McCarthy
On Wednesday evening, October 7th, Dick Cheney endorsed House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy for Speaker of the House. Cheney’s endorsement was straightforward, “As a man of the House and a former member of the House leadership, I know that Kevin McCarthy is the person we need as Speaker in these dangerous and important times.” (To read more: http://www.politico.com/story/2015/10/dick-cheney-kevin-mccarthy-214545#ixzz3nzsf1385)
Today, Thursday October 8th, less than 1 day after receiving Cheney’s endorsement, Kevin McCarthy held a press conference to remove himself from consideration as House Speaker.
Now I could stop there and let you enjoy the irony. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself. I really can’t top that ironic sequence of events with a punchline, but my legion of fans (now having grown into the mid single digits) has come to expect me to at least make a jokey effort, so here we go …
Republican leadership wants Donald Trump out of the primary race. Their course is now clear. Get Dick Cheney to endorse Donald Trump.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 