A Holiday Gone to the Dogs

I had some time off over the Christmas holiday, so I focused my attention on the dogs, much to their dismay. We have 2 dogs now, a standard poodle and a rescue mutt that is part basset hound and part slinky. Our poodle Lola grew to be a bit larger than we had hoped, so I tried to turn her into a toy poodle over the holiday. Was I successful? Take a look and you be the judge.

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Don’t Look Up & Definitely Don’t Exercise

I watched that new movie Don’t Look Up. I didn’t think it was the greatest film ever made, but liked parts of it. Well, so much for the movie review portion of this blog post. One part I found totally unbelievable was when they showed people exercising while watching the news of a giant comet coming to destroy the planet.

If I knew a planet-killing comet was on the way, I would immediately cease all forms of exercise and healthy eating. I would eat myself into a chocolate coma (good name for a band) and await the inevitable destruction. Of course, that would be after I took care of my family by telling them to take shelter in the basement and to keep their grubby mitts off my chocolate.

A Lovely Holiday Game

Let’s play a game. Take a look at the table below.

Things Stuck in Body Orifices in 2021 per the Consumer Product Safety Commission

Body orificeitem stuck in orifice
EarSpork (Combination of Spoon & Fork)
NoseTwo Batteries
ThroatBilliard Ball
PenisChopstick
VaginaHello Kitty
RectumRubber Snake

This comes from an article in The Defector which offers a complete list aggregated from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission reports about emergency room procedures. But don’t link to it yet!!! We have to play the game first. The body orifices and items shown above are not matched correctly. Your job is to match them up properly. The answer follows if you continue reading.

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My Positive Christmas COVID Test

Before starting our Christmas festivities with family, we all tested for Covid as some in the family are immunocompromised. We used nasal swab home test kits.

The store was out of the rectal test versions that I prefer. Anyway, with these nasal tests, one red line means you are negative for Covid, and two red lines mean you got the Covid.

Pretty simple, right? I was grateful that my test yielded only one red line. But what did what was underneath mean? Take a look.

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A Bad Math Joke

I’m exhausted here on the 11th of my 12 Days of Blogging. I can barely lift my fingers to type this post. Instead of a staccato rat-tat-tat on the keyboard, it is a legato click … click …click.

I am out of blogging ideas (never stopped me from blogging before), but I am in my fantasy football playoffs, and I noticed something very unusual that I figured I would share. In the first round of the playoffs, playoff seeds #1, #3, #5, & #7 won their first round games.

Hmm, seeds #1, #3, #5, & #7 advanced. I don’t know about you, but those numbers seem very odd to me.

Happy Festivus

That’s right, Google tells me that today is the holiday of Festivus.

And you know what that means, right?

Well, hold on, can we take care of another Festivus tradition first?

That’s right, the airing of grievances. I’ve got a lot of complaints to air, mostly about the unvaccinated these days, although I find I can and usually do complain about most everything. However, I’ll reserve this blog for my wife’s Christmas grievance.

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A Holiday Edition of Am I a Bad Guy?

As I was out Christmas shopping last night, I noticed emergency vehicles at a restaurant in the shopping mall area.

Rather than hope and pray that anyone being tended to by emergency services is going to be okay, I immediately want to eat at the restaurant in case the food is so rich and so delicious that it caused a heart attack. Am I a bad guy?

A Gift For You

A gift I just received this Christmas season has been a 24+ hour internet outage. I almost was unable to give you this gift, but then I went to the local public library to go online and post your gift. I know that you’re thinking, “An even nicer gift would have been no post today.” But it is Day 9 of the 12 Days of Blogging, so if I don’t gift you soon, you’re getting nothing, and plenty of it.

My award-winning book of 16 short stories was originally 18. But there was one story that just didn’t fit well with the rest, so I axed it. That left the story total at 17 … a prime number. My OCD immediately rejected that idea, so I cut another story to get to 16 … a perfect square number. Yes, I am an OCD math geek, a horrible combination if you a planning the guest list for a dinner party. Hey, watch me chew my bite of food the same number of times on each side of my mouth!

Anyway, the following story got cut from the book. Yes, the award-winning, well-reviewed book of short stories I wrote available for under a buck by clicking HERE. I have set-up the story on Amazon for you Kindle and Kindle app users. The price is set at $0.99, the same as my award-winning, well-reviewed, very inexpensive book of short stories. But you don’t have to pay that price for a story with just over 3000 words. Wait until Thursday morning, and the first thing to do when you arise is to click this link to get this short story for FREE. Well, maybe tinkle first and then order. And you should brush your teeth. That morning breath! Ugh!

Click this link to get my short story “Every Time a Bell Rings” for FREE Thursday morning. It is a holiday story, sort of a sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life, following Clarence the angel after the movie ends. Now I know some of you hate Amazon, so if you click to continue reading, the whole story follows, still for FREE. Is it a Christmas classic? More like classic sacrilege and blasphemy for fans of the movie. But hey, a classic something nonetheless. If you enjoy it, make sure to review it on Amazon. Now where the hell’s MY gift?

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International Man of Business

I have enjoyed being involved in international business, both import and export, for many years now.

Working internationally with import-export has helped me realize that people the world over are just like me, trying to eke out a living and provide for their families. I wish those in the US who fear “furriners” could have a chance to interact more internationally. I think the US would be a less fearful and more accepting nation.

I export a bit to the Middle East these days. I have a wish for the New Year. One of my customers is a company in Saudi Arabia called Uranus Advanced Trading. I also export to a company in Bahrain that employs an individual who I want to go to work at Uranus Advanced Trading. Why? His name is Anil Titus. Yes, I want Anil Titus busy at Uranus. Yes, I am 10 years old.

And yes, I realize this post is not very Christmassy, but I promise I have a holiday gift for you in the next post as we continue to slog through my 12 Days of Blogging. A gift receipt will NOT be provided. Be nice and pretend to like it.

Repost of Yorn Yule Tune & All New 2021 Content

As I find myself woefully unprepared for Christmas once again, I harken back to advice crooner Pete Yorn gave us 2 Christmases ago – calm the hell down. Read on.

Christmas can be a fun time, but also a very stressful time. There are gifts to buy, MAGA relatives to rub shoulders with, and decorations to put up outside often in less than ideal conditions. But Pete Yorn is back with some sage advice for this season.

Where’s Yorn been since he captivated us musically a decade ago with lyrical tales of his “Strange Condition?” Well, he’s been making music, but just not super memorable. This new tune from his 7th album may not be memorable, but it excellent advice to just calm the hell down.

If you aren’t calm after listening to that tune, then there’s something seriously wrong. Calm down. The gifts will get wrapped. The tree will be trimmed. You’ll get to go a-Wassailing, whatever that is. Ask Uncle George in his MAGA hat about his health. He won’t have time to talk about Trump. He’ll be too busy talking about his gout and the root canal he needs and the fried foods he can’t eat anymore because his cholesterol is too high and … well, you get the idea. When he’s done, just tell him to calm down because he looks great. Okay, that’s probably a lie. What is that spot on his head? But, what the hell, it’s the holidays. Maybe that Christmas lie will help him enjoy a Merry Christmas, like all of us will if we just calm down.

Continue reading for new content.

Continue reading “Repost of Yorn Yule Tune & All New 2021 Content”

Where’s My Christmas Discount?

Well, here we are on my 5th Day of Blogging, and I have decided to start my Christmas shopping. I stopped off at a local store owned by an ex-neighbor named Sherry. She’s a wonderful woman and was a great neighbor for 20 years. Sherry employs Victoria who we happily lived next door to in the same neighborhood as Sherry for 18 years. I always enjoy stopping by to see them and catch up, but they don’t work weekends, especially the crazy weekends before Christmas.

As I approached the cash register at Sherry’s store to checkout, I heard the woman in front of me quietly mention that she’s related to Sherry. She got a discount! Well, not to be outdone, I notified the high school girl working the counter that I was an ex-neighbor of both Sherry and Victoria, so I should get the ex-neighbor’s discount. I could see the panic in her face as her eyes started to dart to-and-fro looking for help. Seeing as it is the holiday season, I decided to be charitable and let her off the hook. I assured her that of course, I was just kidding. Yeah, sure, kidding. I figure I can make up the missed discount next year when we go to Victoria’s son’s wedding. I am sure the wedding venue won’t miss a few place settings of silverware.

Now that I’ve started shopping, I should check the ad revenue from this blog to see if I’ll be able to pay the credit card bills when they come due in January. Let’s take a look.

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My Weight Loss Waterloo

I took a couple weeks after November ended to determine if I had lost a weight loss battle or the entire war. The month of November was certainly my weight loss Waterloo, and I don’t mean the city of Waterloo in Iowa, home of the Sistene Chapel reproduced in spray paint on the walls and ceiling of a warehouse turned into a restaurant that is now closed. Thanks, Covid.

No, I’m talking about Napoleon’s Waterloo where he lost his final battle while also gaining 5 pounds thanks to a cheesecake binge. I lost a major weight loss battle in November. Fat cells are now occupying my liver, and they are threatening to invade my pancreas unless their demands for sugared sodas and cake are met. However, I may not have lost the war. Signs in December are positive about returning to or close to my goal weight I met over the summer.

I can break November into 2 distinct halves. The first half of November was characterized by 4 things:

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Is Warm Weather Bad for Making Frozen Pizza?

There is some unseasonably warm winter weather predicted in the Chicago area for the next few days. The temperatures will be well above freezing, almost spring-like. That’s why I insisted we make and eat a frozen pizza I purchased before the warm weather hit. My wife wondered what the rush was. Well, all she needed to do was read the instructions. It is as clear as the canker sore on my lip, unless you choose to look away as most people do. If the weather is too warm, we could not bake the pizza. I’m not sure what the weather has to do with cooking pizza, but then again, I’m no haute cuisine chef. There is no doubt that it is clearly displayed on the label with cooking instructions. Take a look.

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