When Doves Cry

For those of you music aficionados who are soon to be disappointed to discover that this is not a blog post about Prince and his music, here’s a link to the title song. Satisfied? Now, on to a post about doves. Yeah, the birds.

I really meant to protect the baby dove. I had no intention of going all Ozzy Osbourne on the dove, although I had not yet had breakfast. I truly thought I was getting the baby dove out of harm’s way.

I was on a very long, early morning walk yesterday. There was the baby dove, huddled in the middle of the road. I scooped it up and moved it into an area off the road near some mailboxes. It moved around a bit while in my hands, so it seemed relatively healthy. I planned my walking route to pass that spot on my way back home to make sure the dove had moved on.

Only it hadn’t. There it was in the exact same spot. And it sounded like it was crying. Ugh! I vowed to give it some time for the day and the dove to warm a bit and check back. Besides, the local animal shelter would not be open for hours yet. So, I left the baby dove, vowing to return, not knowing the imminent danger to which I had exposed the bird.

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Anti-Social Media

I gave up. I hate to admit it, but Trump’s Truth Social beat me. When I set-up my account, I figured there would be some glitches with the new social media platform. But when trying to use the app, I constantly received this message,

Network failed. Ironic choice of words. I finally just deleted the app.

So, I tried logging in using my PC. I couldn’t recall my password, but I wasn’t concerned. I would just reset it. Well, that’s definitely not allowed. I got the reset email with a link that took me to another reset email with a link that took me to another reset email with a link that … well, you get the idea.

As I wave a farewell with my middle finger to Trump’s Truth Social, I will remember it as fondly as I recall Trump’s bankrupt casinos, Trump Steaks with whip marks from the jockeys, Trump’s grounded airline, and the court-closed Trump University. I know Trump’s Truth Social is not gone yet, but I have faith in the Trump brand.

Mite Be Misspelled

I don’t often find myself in the position where I’m right and my wife is wrong. But yesterday, I had her … or so I thought. In yesterday’s Pulitzer-ignored Mite Be Funny cartoon, I had double-checked if I should use commonsense or common sense in the allegedly witty repartee between mites . As an adjective, the proper spelling is commonsense as one word. I went with that, and I was ready for some smarty-pants to object. Enter my wife, who told me that I spelled commonsense wrong. Nope. Didn’t. You’re wrong. I’m right. I win. You lose.

Turns out that she wasn’t objecting to commonsense being shown as one word. She was objecting to me spelling it as commensense. Ugh! My editor would be so fired if this blog had one.

Fortunately, mite-based comics surprisingly haven’t caught on yet, so not many viewed it before I made the change.

Ironic Republican Political Advertising

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to serve as an elected government official, but it doesn’t hurt. We’re spoiled by the elected representatives in our Fox River Valley area. Representing our area in the US House of Representatives, we have a literal rocket scientist (Democrat Dr. Bill Foster with his Doctorate in Physics), another scientist with a Master’s Degree in Biochemical Engineering (Democrat Sean Casten), a registered nurse (Democrat Lauren Underwood), and an attorney with his undergrad degree in Mechanical Engineering (Democrat Raja Krishnamoorthi). Hmm, what do they all have in common? Yes, they are all from this area. Yes, they are all currently serving in the House of Representatives. Yes, they all received votes. I sense you aren’t even trying. Think on it just a bit more. No, despite being House members, they don’t all actually live in the same house, à la the TV show Big Brother. Try again. Yes, that’s correct! They are all Democrats.

Well, what we have for her and all citizens of the USA are competent people providing good governance. Meanwhile, across the aisle, I saw these two ads for a Republican candidate for governor in Georgia.

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Take the Journey

Not Journey the band. I wish! I really like “Wheel in the Sky” from the boys at Journey including lead vocalist Steve Perry. But wait, if Steve Perry was their lead vocalist, who’s this guy?

Oh, right. He’s the Journey vocalist after Steve Perry left when their albums sucked. That makes sense that he’s playing a free concert locally. Hard pass from me.

But that’s not the journey I’m writing about. I want to get a little contemplative and explore why I am writing this blog and why you may be reading it.

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A Sweet Deal

I have a new “career” as an independent Product Marketing Consultant. So far I have done “consulting” for companies on a variety of topics such as a cremation website, an anti-virus program, lawn & garden product packaging, Medicare, printer ink, and entertainment streaming services, along with others. Yes, people actually are listening to my opinion and paying me good money for it. In the past, nobody has ever wanted to even hear my opinion, let alone pay me for it. My wife doesn’t want to hear it. My friends don’t want to hear me drone on about this and that and how my soup’s too cold. And my kids certainly have never listened to me. They stuck with listening to their mother. Good choice on their parts.

I had blogged that I was hoping to be chosen for a product marketing study about candy. The candy study was local, paid well, and involved me eating caramel candy.

Exactly, Homer. And then yesterday, I got this text.

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My Dermatologist Doesn’t Want Me to be a Star

Who does? I’ve encountered all sorts of obstacles on my way to Hollywood. My first movie role as Racist Restaurant Patron was eliminated when my scene was cut after the restaurant backed out of allowing filming in their place. I secured my next role as Office Worker, but family obligations conspired to keep me from attending the filming. We celebrated our youngest daughter’s church confirmation on the morning of filming and attended an Eagle Scout ceremony during the afternoon of filming. By the way, the Scoutmaster really missed a great opportunity at the end of the Eagle Scout ceremony. How about finishing up the ceremony by rocking out to Robin Trower’s “Day of the Eagle?”

I did audition for a speaking part as Family Member #2 in a film but was not selected for the role. I guess that’s more on me than anyone else’s fault because of my complete lack of acting talent or training. I have an audition this weekend for a speaking role in an indie feature film about punk music called Screw City. I’m hoping my affinity for punk music will be evident and make them overlook my dearth of acting talent and training I mentioned before.

So, you may be wondering what my dermatologist has to do with all this. Well, I went under her knife this week for a skin cancer removal through Moh’s surgery, which I understood to be a gentle scraping of layers off my skin until all the cancer can be confirmed removed. Instead, it looks more like I had Moe’s surgery.

I’ll caution those more sensitive readers (what are you doing at this blog anyway?) to not click to continue reading. This is the result of my surgery.

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Walking in Chicago

If you listen to Fox News or Trump, you would think that walking in Chicago is impossible without being shot, but it is actually a lovely city to walk. According to CBS News, as of February this year, Chicago was only 28th on the list for most murders per capita among cities in the US, virtually tied with Birmingham in Republican Alabama. Of the 27 cities with higher per capita murder rates, 14 are located in Republican-dominated states like Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Indiana, South Carolina, Florida, Tennessee, and Missouri. So, if you ever get to Chicago, take a walk and see the city.

Friends of mine did just that the other night. I have no idea how far they walked from their parked car to City Winery, but they ended up at a Marc Cohn concert. You probably remember Cohn from his memorable hit song, “Walking in Memphis.” Such a beautiful song.

Now if that was my signature song (I wish!), at some point in the song I would sing, “Walking in (insert city name I’m performing in).” Audiences eat that up. I was surprised to hear he didn’t sing a random “Walking in Chicago” at least once. Maybe that’s why Cohn played to hundreds at City Winery rather than 60,000+ at Soldier Field on the lakefront with a laser light show and smoke machines.

As I reflected on my friend’s concert experience, it amazed me to realize that if not for a lack of musical ability, an abrasive singing voice, and a low aptitude for songwriting, my friends may have been listening to me in concert at City Winery rather than Marc Cohn. So close.

Sore Loser

As I mentioned before, I have been taking part in product marketing studies as a way to make some extra cash. It’s been working well. I find them fun and interesting, and I think I’m pretty good at them. There is a caramel candy taste study I hope I am chosen for that is 3 hours long and pays $350. If I can eat caramel for 3 hours, I think I would do it for free.

Anyway, I am always on the lookout for new studies to which I can apply. I saw this one the other day.

It kind of makes me wish I had recurring cold sores (note to self: bad name for a band).

Vampire Resistant

Well, I tried. I really did. I went to my appointment earlier this week and got my mini-physical. Turns out that I’m in excellent health, thank you. Although I’m not sure how good of a physical it really was as they would not let me drop my pants or take off my shirt in the office. I then answered a bunch of questions about my health history before I was ultimately rejected and went home in disgrace. Just to clarify, in disgrace is normally how I return home from everywhere.

That’s right, they didn’t want my donation of blood plasma without a doctor’s note from my dermatologist verifying that she has my skin cancer under control. No problem, right? Uh, actually …

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Winning Time

If you use blogging to practice writing like I do, then this may interest you. I stumbled across this writing contest and entered on a whim. Correction, I entered on my laptop. It costs nothing. Just to be crystal clear, here is the link below.

Writing Challenge 2022 Registration Page v2 – AutoCrit Online Editing

Your story must be submitted by the 22nd of May, so I know time is short, but what else do you have to do? You already missed the deadline for filing your taxes, so what’s another couple weeks?

I have decided to enter a story that I penned for my next collection of short stories to go along with my collection of award-winning stories you can purchase on Amazon. My story is called Mount Driveway and has a real neighborhood feel to it, so I think it meets the theme of community. Oh, and it’s hilarious. Maybe you have some half-written story that also fits the community theme. Just finish it. Hey, how about that story you were writing about a small town mayor who is actually an alien and smites her political opponents during debates using lasers that shoot from her eyes? Yeah, that story. You know the one I’m talking about.

Just to be clear, you have nothing to lose, except I guess this contest. Good luck and write on!

Another Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

Tonight I start what I hope will be a series of blood plasma donations. Blood plasma is critically needed to create medicines to treat rare, genetic, and chronic diseases. I first heard about it through my brother-in-law who donates. Of course, he’s also donated one of his kidneys. Show-off. Anyway, here’s an overview if you are interested.

I am fine with all that, but one thing troubles me. I want to specify that my blood plasma only be used to treat Democrats and Independents. Definitely NOT to be used to help Republicans. Am I a bad guy?

Maddy About You

If you haven’t seen the Madison Cawthorn nude video, I can’t recommend it. There is no real way to unsee his pelvic thrusting toward his buddy’s face which Cawthorn has attempted to explain away as a crass bit of fooling around in an attempt at humor. Hey, that’s this blog! Stop stealing my bit, Maddy.

Anyway, I felt I should share some of my crass, foolish, and attempted humorous thoughts on it. See if you get my subtle points. But just a warning, buckle up before clicking to continue reading.

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