Yesterday Was a Weird Day

I started yesterday with a Wordle that I swore I had solved in 2 … then 3 … then 4 … then 5 … then 6 … then nope.

Was I becoming cognitively impaired, or was it just bad luck guessing? Any regular reader of this blog will choose the former. I even harbored thoughts of it as I got word that yet another of my cousins who is my age now is showing signs of dementia. But I chalked it up to bad luck guessing and got ready to continue my career in the cinema.

No, I wasn’t hired as an usher at the local Megaplex. I had a paying gig as a film extra playing a funeralgoer at Graceland Cemetery. Not Elvis’s final resting place in Graceland in Tennessee as I had originally thought, but Graceland Cemetery in Chicago.

Traffic was light and I made it to the Chicago cemetery faster than Google said I would. I parked and had a distance to walk to the chapel where the filming would take place. That’s when I hitchhiked for the first time in my life.

Continue reading “Yesterday Was a Weird Day”

Hollywood Comes Calling

After launching my movie career as a hilarious comedy extra in a short film, and following that with a dramatic speaking role in a feature film, Hollywood can’t get enough of me. I recently was invited to read for a lead role in a film using a British accent. I can do a couple phrases in a Cockney accent, but a proper British accent eludes me. Oddly enough, I write in British English. As a couple examples, I always want to add a “u” to words like color, and I tend towards using towards rather than toward. See what I mean? My editor/cousin/godmother pointed those and others out to me as she edits my short stories. Could I be the reincarnation of Charles Dickens?

And I really have not had the time (or British accent) lately to pursue show biz. I’ve been much too busy at work and with the upcoming election. But Hollywood refuses to be denied my talents and continues recruiting me. I received this invitation today.

Continue reading “Hollywood Comes Calling”

On The Campaign Trail & a FREE Book!

I’ve been busy recently supporting local Democrat candidates by hitting the campaign trail while also working at my business and writing this biting humor blog.

Editor’s Note: This idiot once heard someone say that his blog bites, so that’s where he got the idea that this blog contains “biting humor.”

As the elected Democratic Precinct Committee Person for the area, my job is to deliver candidate literature, signs, and general encouragement to vote. That’s all well and good, and I am happy to do so. However, I was less than thrilled to be called this name as I arrived at a house …

Continue reading “On The Campaign Trail & a FREE Book!”

Tanks a Lot

Yesterday, I got to slosh around in slime and muck. No, I didn’t go to a Trump rally. It was because one of our pond goldfish refused to be netted and removed from the pond for the season. I waded in and prevailed by securing both goldfish along with 5 freeloading frogs.

I am happy to have helped facilitate the transformation of the two fish (bought for 25 cents each as feeder fish) from food to friends to freedom. I released them in a local pond where they can overwinter safely. Meanwhile, the frogs, who just helped themselves to our pond this spring like they do every year, were delicious. Just kidding. I released the frogs, too … into my belly!

I wish. I released them into the same pond. Any frogs still remaining in our pond will have to work their magic where they freeze semi-solid over the winter and then thaw back to life in the spring. I hear that’s an actual thing they do.

I already miss the fish. They were personable and friendly in an obvious attempt to get me to feed them more. They got big and fat early in the summer eating tiny toad tadpoles in the pond that were the result of tawdry toad sex in the spring. Unfortunately, I don’t normally keep tiny toad tadpoles around, so when the tadpoles were gone, I fed the fish stale cereal which they grudgingly ate from my fingers at times. And before I had to partially drain the pond yesterday, it was a quiet, peaceful place for me to retire from the world when I needed it. Take a look and see if you agree …

Continue reading “Tanks a Lot”

An Unbearable Game

If you didn’t get the hint from last Sunday’s critically acclaimed ignored Mite Be Funny cartoon, I went to the Chicago Bears football game. Not the kind of football where feet are primarily used to move the ball, but the American football where hands are mostly used to advance the ball, but feet are still used to run and kick occasionally. Wouldn’t that be a boring game if feet weren’t used to help score with the football?

Okay, I stand corrected. That looks interesting. Anyway, I went to the game and despite sitting in great seats thanks to a wealthy and generous friend, I have complaints. Now, I know it is not Festivus season yet, but I can’t stop myself from airing my grievances.

And who better to share my grievances with than you lucky blog followers who are glued to your screens as a captive audience? So, here we go …

Continue reading “An Unbearable Game”

If Meat is Murder, Then What is Dairy?

Maybe robbery? I’m not sure, but I am certain that I do try and avoid eating meat, primarily for religious reasons as I am an ordained Dudeist priest. But it is also a super-healthy way to avoid eating very tasty, enjoyable food. So, when I got the call to do a taste test for a plant-based food, I was all in. Plant-based eats and paying me money to shovel them into my pie-hole? It was too good to be true. I headed over to pick up my food for an at-home taste test.

As I drove over to the testing facility, my mind spun with all the plant-based food possibilities. Maybe it would be a savory rump roast made entirely from chickpeas? Or, perhaps it was a complete Thanksgiving dinner molded out of ground brussel sprout meal.

Instead, it was this …

Continue reading “If Meat is Murder, Then What is Dairy?”

Say What?

Being old, I like old sayings. I especially like the old Scottish proverb from the 1600s, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” No, I didn’t actually use it myself in the 1600s, but I think it clearly conveys that you need to make things happen and not just wish for them to happen. However, I’m not sure the term beggars is politically correct these days. I think financially-disadvantaged is now the proper term. “If wishes were horses, the financially-disadvantaged would ride” just doesn’t seem to have the same cachet. And who wants to go ride a horse? Raise your hand if you do.

Put your hand down. Nothing good can come of that.

But there is an alternate version of the saying that I prefer.

Continue reading “Say What?”

Bonjour France, J’ai Un Blaireau Dans Mon Pantalon

For you unsophisticated readers, I believe that title translates to “Hello France, I have finished my Channel swim,” but I could be mistaken and it may mean “Hello France, I have a badger in my pants.” I’m hoping for the former as I have figuratively arrived in France after my swim across the English Channel this summer. The French were quite excited for my arrival earlier this week.

You can see my route from the beach at Dover in England to just southwest of Calais per this map.

Continue reading “Bonjour France, J’ai Un Blaireau Dans Mon Pantalon”

New Music for Old Rockers – Chatting You Up

It was the early 80s and punk music was fading fast. Even The Clash had evolved into incorporating more diverse genres in their music as evidenced by 1981’s “This is Radio Clash” and 1982’s “Rock the Casbah.” Did they sell out? No, but they did change with the times … except not so much in concert. They were still a nasty punk band live. I recall my boss at the time telling me about attending a Clash concert in 1982 at the Aragon Ballroom, affectionately called the Aragon Brawlroom by Chicagoans. Back then, you would want to wear old shoes to any concert there as there would be puddles of beer and urine throughout the space. Anyway, my boss told me that he was close to the stage and was spat upon by The Clash. My reaction at the time was, “Lucky.”

Fast forward to the 2020s, and I swore punk was dead and buried. Oh, sure, there were supposedly some punk banks still around, but I didn’t think they really had embraced the punk sound as defined by Iggy Pop, Patti Smith, The Ramones, and early Clash. For me, punk was RIPing, until I heard The Chats.

Continue reading “New Music for Old Rockers – Chatting You Up”

Cereal Killer Diet

Some of you may be wondering why I have not recently chronicled my battle with weight. Well, there has been a sort of detente between me and my fat for one year now. Sure, there have been minor ups and downs, but for the most part, I have maintained my weight for exactly one year.

Although this stable weight was not my ultimate goal weight, it is 15 pounds down from my portly apex and a weight I’m semi-comfortable at. I still jiggle but don’t draw as much attention as I used to.

I’ve been somewhat resigned to being 5 pounds away from my goal weight which would still put me at about 10 pounds overweight. But then, I discovered what I am calling the Cereal Killer Diet. It seems like only yesterday that I stumbled upon it, when in fact, it was two days ago. Let me take you back in time to those events of that fateful day.

Continue reading “Cereal Killer Diet”