Mite Be Funny #305 – Big Game Edition

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Facebook Friend Fat Fail

I’m always surprised when I get an unsolicited Facebook friend request from someone I don’t know. I don’t accept all friend requests, but I do accept a few when I see we have mutual friends who I trust. Well, not all of them work out.

I was mildly interested to see this new Facebook friend is into weight loss.

Hey, me, too! I even have my own diet. We do have something in common. But why was this post in my notifications? Oh, right, this is why.

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Leftovers From the Future

We have several systems in the Flanigan house. I just wish one of them was a working system of indoor plumbing, especially in the winter. Brrr. Anyway, our leftover system is very simple. If any leftovers remain in the refrigerator for more than a couple days, I eat them. And any open jars that are put into the refrigerator should have the date they were opened written on them. As my youngest daughter looked in the refrigerator yesterday for some opened pasta sauce to add to some leftover pasta of hers that she knew I had been eyeing, we were both stumped when she encountered this jar’s lid with a curious inscription.

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A Video-Heavy Edition of … Random Thoughts

If you throw a message in a bottle into the ocean, but it is never read, did you really drink the beverage that was in the bottle?

With an unseasonably warm winter that may be threatening to quickly become spring, I’ve been thinking how nice it would be to go on a getaway weekend in the great outdoors with a couple of buddies where we could enjoy nature and guy stuff like this.

If we do go for a weekend in the wilderness, I think I will want to take the role of the bear.

Just wondering, is that a cross tattoo on the punching guys back, or is his back hair shaved into the shape of a cross?

I’ve reached a blogging milestone. I saw this when I logged onto this blog to check on my last pseudo-hilarious Mite Be Funny cartoon.

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The Semi-Professional Writer’s Dilemma

I’ve written stuff that people have paid money to purchase and read. Does that make me a professional writer? Hardly. But semi-pro? Perhaps. Would I like to consider myself a professional writer? Yes, but I have a long way to go. Why do I keep asking myself questions to which I already know the answers? Uh, I don’t know the answer to that question, which I think refutes the question.

I wish I could report great sales of my award-winning collection of short stories. Sure, there have been sales of that book and a few other stories. But not enough for me to claim I am a professional writer, and it hasn’t generated enough income to keep a housefly in filth for a year. So, with 3 other books in progress, what do I do? Do I finish them with the hope to become a professional writer, or do I write them to enjoy the process of writing them? And for me, there is joy in writing and creating my weird stories.

After spending my professional career in sales & marketing, that should be the easy part for me once a book is written. But that part takes as much time as writing, and it is a lot less fun and interesting for me. It just seems like more sales & marketing work that I’ve done for decades. So, I’ve come to a crossroads in 2023 regarding my writing. Whither goest I?

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How Are Those New Year’s Resolutions Going?

I purposely broke one of mine on January 2nd. The weight of carrying it around all year seemed unbearable to me. I resolved to do something each day to personally or professionally improve myself or the world. I’m not talking about a daily shave or shower here, although my family would heartily endorse a resolution dedicated to my personal hygiene. No, I wanted to make a real difference. I responded to that resolution by doing nothing at all on January 2nd.

I felt better once that was out of the way, but I am still trying each day to follow that resolution. However, if I get to the end of the day, and haven’t done much of anything, well …

I’m okay with that, because I broke the resolution back on January 2nd. Yes, it is twisted logic, but it works for my twisted mind.

I made another resolution, and I barely kept that one going yesterday.

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New Music for Old Rockers – Reap What You Sow

I was afraid of this. I really liked the first song released a few months ago off the new White Reaper album, except for one little part. I’ll explain later, but here’s “Pages” from White Reaper’s Asking for a Ride.

They grabbed me with the acoustic guitar right from the start, and their transition from acoustic to rocking hard is seamless and organic. But for me, there is a little problem with the song and a big one with the album.

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The Joke Diet Actually Works?

Some of my most popular posts are about weight loss and diets. Readers really liked my Cereal Killer Diet post. It was meant as a joke. But then, I stepped on the scale last weekend and reacted like this …

Holiday gorging combined with no exercise due to illness left me wondering if I was really seeing those numbers on the scale. It’s demoralizing. You make progress in the good weather, try and hold the line in winter, and all it takes is one batch of extra-yummy Christmas cookies or a few days off from exercise and this happens …

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Drooling for Cash

As my small business winds down after 15 years, I continue to look for ways to make money without doing anything, which is what I do or don’t do best. I currently get paid for walking. You can, too. Check out the Evidation app on your phone. You won’t be paid much, but I get a few gift cards every year. Through the same study that gave me a free Apple watch, I get paid for standing for 1 minute every hour for 12 hours each day. Sounds grueling, right? I have found that if I raise my hand for 1 minute, my Apple watch gives me credit for standing. Jim 1 – Technology 0.

Anyway, I found myself drooling into a tube this week for a university study. I figured that I would be drooling anyway throughout the day, so why not get paid for it? The thought of getting paid to be salivating got me salivating to start salivating. According to the university’s FAQ, they want my drool for a Genes, Addiction, and Personality study to “understand how personality, mental heath, substance use, and genes are related.” I figured they really want my DNA to clone me, and I’m all for that. Why not? I’m a great guy, or at least that’s what I tell everyone. But further down the FAQ sheet, I see this.

At least that disappointment was balanced by this good news.

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Don’t Read This Post – It’s Classified!

This is getting ridiculous. Classified documents have now been found in the home of former VP and current milquetoast Mike Pence. I’m shocked, especially after this …

I wonder exactly where they were discovered. Reports say in an unprotected area, so certainly not in Mother’s knickers. I find it interesting to see how Fox News is presenting visuals about the story of the Pence classified docs.

Wow, Pence has not aged well. Anyway, we all know what’s coming next – another Special Counsel named to investigate. I have a final question. How many Special Counsels being named does it take before they are no longer considered special?

Time to (Th)ink?

Because of a family emergency this past week, I haven’t blogged for days. Now don’t go hoping for more family emergencies for me to keep me from blogging this week. During this family emergency, I’ve had a lot of time to think. It’s kind of a new experience for me. I’m not sure I like it so much.

Anyway, as I dealt with the family emergency, I tried to keep a focus on self-care. I planned to swim today as a way to care for myself. It didn’t happen, but that got me thinking about getting a tattoo. My two best buddies have tattoos, but I have none. Many years ago, when I was participating in triathlons, I considered getting a triathlon tattoo like this one.

I never did. Some of you may say, “Well, it’s never too late.” Unfortunately, there is one huge reason I can’t.

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Another Weird Day

It was probably finding the dead body on the beach that really made Monday weird for me, but I’ll get to that later. Monday was a federal holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Interestingly, it was also a state holiday in Alabama and Mississippi to “honor” the traitor and Confederate General Robert E. Lee. They call it King-Lee Day in those states. It’s so nice that they link MLK with slavery.

Anyway, I decided that business would be lighter than a normal Monday, so I took most of the day off to address some clinical trial study business in Chicago. My first appointment was for, uh, well, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember. Oddly enough, I went anyway. They seemed to know me when we spoke on the phone and confirmed the appointment. However, when I got there, it sure didn’t look familiar to me other than it was on Chicago’s beautiful Michigan Avenue. But still I continued unknowingly on to the appointment in a small, nondescript, sixth floor office. It wasn’t until I was sitting in an exam room that I realized what the study was for. I was grateful that it wasn’t for an experimental lobotomy. I read the release form and remembered I was there for an Alzheimer’s study.

I’m guessing I don’t have to point out the irony. I also wonder if I really qualify. You’ve read this blog. Can you really say that I don’t have a thinking problem?

In 3 months, I’ll know if they have identified certain tau proteins in my blood that may or may not indicate that I have a propensity toward Alzheimer’s. Or something like that, I forget.

I had some time before my next appointment, so I thought a winter walk on the beach would be a good idea. Boy, was I wrong. Sure, I enjoyed the walk – until I stumbled upon this dead body.

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I Finally Believe in Astrology

I read some science news that’s not exactly recent, but it is new to me, and now astrology finally makes sense to me. I’m a Sagittarius, not that any of you care. Where were all my birthday cards and gifts last month? Didn’t you take the hint when I wasted a whole blog post on what size clothes I wear? Maybe wasted is too strong a word considering the normal drivel I foist upon you through this blog.

Anyway, I recently learned of Sagittarius B2 which is a colossal molecular cloud located 390 light years from the center of the Milky Way. You can read all about it in this article. As I read through the article, I can see why I am a Sagittarius. I am so similar to Sagittarius B2 that it’s scary. This list is no coincidence.

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Treemendous Advice

Why wasn’t this article published sooner than today, the 10th of January?

Look, it’s great to provide this info, but can’t we get this valuable advice sooner than after the time when most people have already taken down their trees and have decided how to responsibly dispose of them in an environmentally-friendly (and possibly delicious) way? Asking for a friend.

Hairtfelt Gratitude

As I gave myself a haircut before I went on a very short business trip this week, I found myself incredibly grateful that I don’t have much hair to cut. Over the holidays, I was at a party listening to hirsute-headed friends talking about paying $90 and $125 to have their magnificent locks of hair cut. What could possibly be included with a $125 “haircut?” Maybe where they burn the hair off rather than cutting?

Well, whatever it includes, I’m sure it doesn’t include me. I’m feeling incredibly grateful that I can cut the remaining hair I have myself, because if I had a full head of hair, I would not be able to afford one of them $125 haircuts.

Maybe I could try a Flowbee …

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Republicans Are Occupying My Mind

After the 12th vote, it’s becoming apparent that Kevin McCarthy will eventually become Speaker of the House. It may take one more vote. It may take twenty more votes. I have no idea, but I’m pretty confident that Republicans will eventually legitimately control the US House and the Speaker’s position, just like they tried to do violently and illegitimately two years ago. In the meantime, Republicans have occupied my mind. They have put a song in my head, and it controls my thoughts every time I see them roll out McCarthy to nominate him for another vote. This one …

It’s a lesser-known REM song, and the lyrics are quite political. But it’s not the lyrics or melody that the Republicans have stuck in my head. It’s the title. After each vote, I imagine Kevin McCarthy being dragged out of the House dead and then buried. When the new round of nominations start, I envision Republicans exhuming McCarthy and propping him up in the House for yet another vote.

It’s not my favorite REM song, probably because I don’t understand all the political lyrics. But I do understand the prescient lyrics at the end of the song that may be a glimpse into life in a Republican-controlled House the next two years.

“Exhuming McCarthy (Meet me at the book burning)
Exhuming McCarthy (Meet me at the book burning)”