Capitalism Gone Sour

June 16, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

When I bought our wooden welcome mat, I did so because of its lifetime guarantee. It was not supposed to last 10 years, 20 years, or only 30 years, but my whole lifetime. Yes, even if I purchased it as a newborn using Amazon Infant that orders products for the consumer baby based upon an algorithm that analyzes suckling and cooing noises emitted by the child when viewing screen images, the welcome mat should have lasted my whole life. Instead, this is the result.

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Ho Hum, Another Writing Award … Sort Of

June 14, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

I was contacted a couple days ago by the guy who runs www.storyhouse.org. He wanted to verify that I was not a professional writer (couldn’t he tell by my writing?) as the judging for their animal nonfiction short story contest for newish writers was nearing the end. Putting 2 & 2 together to get … 4, right, definitely 4, I deduced I may be in the running to win the contest, which would get me … what? I really didn’t remember and didn’t care enough to look. And then today, I got the email notifying me that although I didn’t take first, and I was also not the runner-up, I was a finalist.

Quick, someone get me my sister to kiss. I guess I should be flattered. I threw the story together pretty fast, and it’s really the only nonfiction story I’ve ever written. If you care to read it, click this link.

But did I win anything as a finalist? Oh, I won something all right.

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A Fine Story

June 6, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

No, not mine. I wasn’t too fond of my last micro-fiction story, but they published it HERE anyway. Maybe it was a mercy publishing, because I have been faithfully submitting every two weeks. More likely, it was because of the cool AI-generated picture I submitted with the story. Breaking News …

Old Person Uses AI

That’s right, the pic shown with the story was created using AI. I kept revising the description until the pic met my needs. The result is that I no longer am terrified of AI. I have embraced AI and all its benefits. And, oh, what benefits, if you know what I mean. I don’t, so please tell me if you do. Maybe this very post was even written with AI, hmm? Full disclosure … it was not. I don’t want to give AI an even worse reputation because of my shoddy writing.

The fine story referred to in the title of this post is this one that was published and awarded. Love the twisty ending. But I am working on a story with an equally twisty ending for the current challenge closing next week. It even suprised my wife who knows how any movie will end after seeing the first 5 minutes and before I’ve even started my popcorn. Sure, she knows how the movie will play out, but do we really have to leave after 5 minutes?

Here’s the AI website I used to create the sailboat pic – https://www.fotor.com/images/create. I didn’t pay anything, although somewhere down the line I am sure that I will be asked for money. Try it out. I mean the AI part, not asking me for money.

I’m Not Swimming in that Pool

June 3, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

Well, I tried. I wanted to use the “fun” pool this weekend with the water slides. But nooooo, this gang of ducks bullied me out of that pool, and I was forced to head dejectedly to the lap pool.

I normally don’t mind laps, but my tongue gets tired quickly.

I wanted to end this really dumb post semi-cleverly for a change. I am not one to use profanities much, but I really wanted to say, “F***in’ ducks!” So, I thought I’d get cute and swap the consonants at the beginning of the words, like how you would end up with Tuckin’ Frump. No profanity, but everyone gets the idea. Well, I wound up with Duckin’ F***s. That didn’t work. I dialed back the profanity to D**n Ducks, switched the consonants, and still got D**n Ducks. Maybe I should stick with what works.

Tuckin’ Frump!

Tired of Writing

June 1, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

I alerted you almost a month ago to a writing contest at Weird Little Worlds Press. It wasn’t easy, but I wrote a mostly-coherent sci-fi story of just under 5,000 words involving lizard people and pencil sharpeners. But then came the editing … and the rewrites … and the formatting into their accepted style … and finally the self-doubt. It’s not like the humorous stories I write. It’s easy to tell if a story is funny or not, and I’m pretty self-aware of whether my stories are chuckle-inducing gut-busters (typically not). But writing sci-fi is a new experience for me. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I am learning.

The submission deadline was May 31. The day before I had finished another micro-fiction story that I submitted to www.curatedmicrofiction. And why not? They have published and paid me for every story I’ve submitted. Here’s my most recent one that they liked that I wrote to their sci-fi prompt. Maybe I was practicing for the Weird Little Worlds contest with sci-fi micro-fiction.

So, by the time I finished the submission for Weird Little Worlds Press, I was just tired of writing, editing, etc. Today has been a dreary, rainy day – perfect for writing! And there is a website I had my eye on with a submission due today. But I just can’t. I have cranial writer’s cramp. My brain hurts.

What I can do is plan for the future. There’s a new window open for submissions at www.curatedmicrofiction.com. I have my eye on the Literary/Creative prompt but with a humorous twist. First submission is free! Come join me. And I may be able to use my sci-fi submission to Weird Little Worlds Press for this contest from the Scientologists. Finally, I have a story in my head about a carnival sideshow wild woman that will definitely have to be written before I forget it. For a memory of the most famous of carnival sideshow women, Lydia, click here.

Home Improvement?

May 30, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

My wife bought some new window treatments for our family room. She warned me against posting any pics on social media. She said it would be curtains for me.

Just in case the same warning applies to the new rug, here is a dog pic, definitely not a rug pic.

The dogs approve of the new rug. But back to the new window treatments, my wife wanted to iron them first before hanging them. Naturally, I protested as I sensed it may mean work for me. “Let the wrinkles hang out,” I said. My wife persisted on her crazy scheme. Before she could waste $2 on a jug of distilled water, I headed to the basement to see if I could scare up some distilled water.

Scare is always the operative word for basements. Anyway, I found this …

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A Cure for a Symptom of the Cure

May 24, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

Mental health is no laughing matter, same as this blog most of the time. I had no idea that mental health medications caused uncontrollable movements called tardive dyskinesia. I know, easy for me to say. I was fascinated watching the following commercial that offered a medication to control the symptoms of tardive dyskinesia caused by the mental health meds. Why did I find it so fascinating? Well, this medication clearly causes yet another problem as shown in this commercial that nobody is talking about.

Oh, sure, this new med can cause the usual depression, suicidal thoughts, irregular heartbeat, and … abnormal movements? Isn’t that what it is supposed to cure?

But for me, the biggest problem is that apparently you have to walk around everywhere with a mustard yellow cup in your hand all the time. Will there then be another medication that allows you to put the cup down? A cure for a symptom of the cure for a symptom of a cure for the illness? Late on a Friday night, there’s only one Cure I care about.

Back & Worse Than Ever

May 23, 2024May 23, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

I took some time away from writing this blog to do some writing (ironic, right?) and get some issues sorted with my life moving forward. One of those issues is a recurrence of cancer. Sure, I know you’re thinking, “It’s probably only skin cancer.” And it is, smarty-pants. In fact, it’s the least dangerous and least respected skin cancer – basal cell carcinoma. However, per cancer.net, about 2000 people in the US annually die from non-melanoma cancers. If left untreated for a really, really long time, basal cell can spread to bones, lymph nodes, etc. and do damage or cause death.

I face two excisions coming up starting with one next week. Both will be on my face, leaving even more scars after my numerous surgeries. I fear I will eventually end up looking like William Dafoe in Poor Things.

At least Emma Stone’s character called Dafoe’s character God in the movie, and he had good hair. I don’t see either of those things happening in my life. But there is some good news.

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A Musical Tribute to RFK, Jr.

May 12, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

Yeah, the whole “a parasitic worm ate part of my brain” story was pretty weird coming from Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. So, let’s celebrate it with music. The internet told me that RFK, Jr. received an honorary doctorate degree from a college in Florida, which means we can call him …

Sadly, the internet was wrong!

Internet wrong? That usually never happens. But in 1999, Florida Southern College gave RFK, Jr. a citation, not an honorary degree.

A citation for what? Jaywalking? Still, that’s good enough for me to call him Dr. Worm. It’s kind of ironic though. He has railed against the COVID vaccine and most other vaccines. Anyone up for polio? So, what’s the alternative for the COVID vaccines? Here’s what RFK Jr. has suggested.

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Milestone Made

May 9, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

When I wrote my last post, I had no idea that it was my 2500th post until after I published it. I guess that’s somewhat of a milestone unless you discount all the dumb posts, memes, and cartoons. If I just count what I would consider legitimate posts, I’m at 37. I’m not sure if this one will count as #38.

I do find it ironic that my 2500th post was titled “Write Weird.” I started writing this blog to practice writing, and now I’m encouraging others to write weird. How about writing well? That’s kind of a foreign concept for me. Or, is it?

I submitted more micro-fiction to a curatedmicrofiction.com prompt that I blogged about. Rather than loading my 300 words with dad jokes, fart references, and invented words like last time, I decided to change tack.

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Write Weird

May 5, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

Last year, I submitted a vampire story to Weird Little Worlds Press for their Playlist of the Damned anthology. They didn’t like my story enough to select it. They were right. It can be better. I’m rewriting it for possible use later, although a rewrite by me may not necessarily make the story better.

It’s time to write weird again. Weird Little Worlds Press has a new anthology they are putting together, and they want new authors. Hey, that could be you or me. The problem is that we only have until the end of this month to submit a story. So, start writing weird. We have no time to lose if we want to place a story in their anthology.

If that’s too soon for you to write 500 to 5,000 words without a specific prompt, try this one instead.

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Bridge Over Trumpled Waters

May 1, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I have enjoyed the reporting from the NYC courthouse regarding the Trump trial. It’s very informative and professional.

But am I the only one who gets an overwhelming urge to listen to a Simon and Garfunkel song after those segments?

A Prime Post

April 30, 2024April 30, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

I’m doing some repairs and painting an old decrepit shed in the back of our property. I anticipate the neighborhood newsletter will feature this headline.

Old Decrepit Man Paints Old Decrepit Shed

Anyway, I needed some help choosing a primer, so took this brochure from the local home improvement store.

I think they missed a great opportunity when designing that piece.

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Whatever Happened to Journalistic Integrity?

April 28, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

That blog post title may seem odd coming from me, but I think I have a legit reason to ask that question in light of a story that supposedly broke yesterday. Here’s one of the many headlines I have seen.

The full story can be accessed by clicking this link. Other news stories I have read even go so far as mentioning a dangerous “sarcophagas.” Hmm, now where have I heard that invented word before? Oh, right, in my award-winning micro-fiction story. Yes, I broke a deadly sarcophagas story two days prior to all the other stories published yesterday. I knew I should have trademarked that word. It’s true that these other stories contain more supposed “scientific facts,” but I will remind you that mine is the only award-winning story.

I have reached out to numerous attorneys to see if I can pursue any legal action against these media hacks with their copycat stories. Unfortunately, the only attorneys interested in representing me are busy defending Trump in various trials.

As a last recourse, I consulted noted Egyptologist Dr. Steven Martin to see if he could provide guidance. His advice follows.

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An Unexpected Award

April 25, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ 4 Comments

In a recent post, I promised (threatened?) to share my 300-word micro-fiction short story with you that was comprised of dad jokes, a fart reference, and an invented word. I planned on copying and pasting the story here, but I don’t have to do that now. I received an email stating, “Your story ‘The Sarcopha Guys’ has been recognized by our curation team as exceptional in your category.” Exceptional? Me? What category, fart fiction?

I figured I had an outside chance for one of the $5 awards, but now my comfortable retirement is assured after securing a $60 award. Anyway, enough complaining about winning something. It’s time to share it with the world, regardless of the world’s recalcitrance toward reading it.

Click HERE to link to the page showing the weird prompt and my story that you can then click on to read. After the minute it takes you to read 300 words and ten minutes it takes you to stop guffawing, then click HERE to go to the current challenge. Pick a prompt and start writing. I think the first submission is free. Let’s see if some real writing can challenge my fart fiction. Yes, I do have a story planned in the Humor category. That’s another tough prompt, but somehow I have a story concepted about a librarian that involves flinging mashed potatoes. I think I really need to seek professional therapy.

Scabbers?

April 21, 2024April 21, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

Of course, Scabbers is the obvious name choice. That was the name of Ron Weasley’s rat in the Harry Potter series, and the first name that came to my mind. For what, you ask? Well, yesterday was the 4 week anniversary of my second bike accident of the cycling season before the season had even begun. You can click that link in the previous sentence to see my bloody leg, but I don’t necessarily recommend that. Suffice to say that it was a bloody mess. I recall at the time seeing blood pulsing out of one of the wounds and thinking, “I may want to get that one stitched up.” An urgent care location was on the way home, but I didn’t stop there. I cycled home, washed it off, and bandaged it. It oozed and bled for 2 more days. And the end result is a scab that is 4 weeks old yesterday. Happy birthday! Don’t worry, I will not post a picture. In the book Blogging for Dummies, the authors clearly warn against posting scab pics as 93% of readers will move on to non-scab-related blogs.

But I will post names I’m considering for it. I think after hanging on for 4 weeks with no end in sight, it deserves one. I have ruled out Scabbers as too trendy. Even though the Harry Potter movie series started over 20 years ago, a recent NY Times poll found that over 76% of all people with bloody limbs still name their healing wounds Scabbers. For that reason, I’m pondering other names.

If it’s a boy, I like Scabraham Lincoln as a strong historical name. It has lost some diameter over the weeks, so I could name it Li’l Scabner after the old cartoon. If I want to show how open and welcoming I am to all races and religions, maybe Scabdul deserves consideration.

I want to choose a pretty name if it is a girl. Maybe Scabagail, although I am afraid that others would call her Scabby as a nickname. Thinking of the old Bewitched TV series, I came up with Scabantha and Scabitha, both of which I like.

I think I have some good options from which to choose, but does anyone know how to identify a scab’s sex?

Rejection Means Someone Read Your Writing

April 19, 2024April 19, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

And they didn’t like it enough, but at least you had a reader. I tell myself that when I get a submission rejected, which is more often than not. At least this one that just hit my inbox was quite pleasant.

They didn’t technically say that my story was well-crafted, but at least that complimentary hyphenated word was included in the rejection email. So, what do I recommend after rejection?

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I Have PEED

April 16, 2024April 16, 2024 ~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

It’s not what you’re thinking. I didn’t pee myself, although I have peed and will continue to pee throughout the day into a proper toilet as I write this. However, I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m writing this as I pee. That would be awkward, standing there with laptop in one hand and my dingle in the other. How would I type? Maybe with my nose, but that would surely result in a mess on the floor. And surely Shirley, my wife, would be upset. Suffice to say that I take breaks while writing to go and pee. In retrospect, I should have chosen a different title for this post.

Anyway, I have PEED – Post Ecliptical Experience Depression. I didn’t drive the 2+ hours to get into the center of the recent eclipse‘s path in order to get the full effect, and now I regret it. Friends did, and they tell me it was dark, eerie, and magnificent. I figured that at 93% coverage by me, it would be magnificent enough for someone of my ilk. I remembered the 2017 eclipse being dark and eerie. Maybe it was cloudier that day. Wasn’t it always a bit cloudier when Trump was in office? It was a perfectly sunny day for the eclipse a week ago, and the result of the eclipse out by me is that it got slightly darker and cooler. That’s it. A big nothing. I hate that the Trump eclipse was more memorable to me. Thanks, Obama.

But my PEED has slowly faded as some good things happened over the course of the past week, and I feel I can write again. Here’s what has helped me out of my PEED.

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