Reports are that Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb has decided to drop from the Democratic primary race. The seemingly angriest Democratic candidate is reportedly pondering a future solo role either as an independent presidential candidate or as a lone gunman.
Author: Jim Flanigan
Oscar Pistorius Transitions From Prison to House Arrest
After being found guilty of culpable homicide and serving one year of a five year prison sentence, Olympic amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has been released on parole under house arrest for the remainder of the four years on his sentence. Pistorius eagerly agreed to the parole board’s offer of house arrest on condition that he wear an electronic monitoring bracelet on his ankle.
First Democratic Debate Rocks Polls
In the wake of the first debate between the Democratic primary candidates, the polls reflect some significant changes and a new contender. Not too much changed at the top as Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders still lead the polls. Clinton polls extremely well with those wearing pants suits, getting approval from over 95% of that demographic. Sanders earned high marks from the “no original teeth” demographic, especially in the Northern states. Those in that demographic polled did complain that the debate was on too late, it conflicted with Matlock reruns, and the mashed potatoes at dinner were too lumpy. Sanders did not do so well in the “no original teeth” demographic in the South where that demographic cuts across all age groups.
Biden Camp Wary of Open Podium at Democratic Debate
While Joe Biden ponders whether or not to throw his hat into the Presidential race, his advisers are working behind the scenes to remove the open podium that is available for him at the first Democratic presidential debate. “In case of Biden break out podium number 6. Here it is folks,” says senior White House correspondent Jim Acosta on Twitter.
Biden’s camp is concerned that if Mr. Biden does not participate in the debate, then the viewing public may find the open podium more dynamic, interesting and appealing than the actual candidate himself.
Trump Miffed By Democratic Debate Snub
Donald Trump is making headlines again as he is reportedly upset about being left out of the first Democratic presidential debate. Trump blasted the Democrat’s decision to exclude him saying, “I was a registered Democrat for years and am a front-runner for President. I belong on that stage to take on Hillary, the old guy and the rest of the losers. Nobody can beat me this election. Nobody can beat me except me. I want the opportunity to beat myself.” I think most of America does.
Democrats Establish Ground Rules for First Presidential Debate
In an attempt to avoid the circus-like atmosphere at the Republican debates, the Democrats have established some ground rules for the first upcoming CNN debate between the Democratic candidates. Of the five Democratic candidates that have been invited to the debate, only two will be allowed to speak, poll leaders Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. A spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee explained, “We want the leading candidates to be able to freely exchange ideas. We want the other candidates that are wasting their time and money not to waste ours and just butt out. But you know us liberals, we want to appear fair to everyone.” Continue reading “Democrats Establish Ground Rules for First Presidential Debate”
Koch Brothers Support Carly Fiorina
Although not directly funding the Carly Fiorina campaign yet, the conservative billionaire Koch Brothers have started throwing support Carly Fiorina’s way. As the Koch Brothers continue to explore which Republican candidate to support since their first choice Scott Walker has left the primary race, they have made an initial overture of support to Carly Fiorina. As a first step, the Koch Brothers have made arrangements to pay for the plastic surgery necessary to smooth Ms. Fiorina’s chin cellulite.
Reportedly, the Koch Brothers are attracted to Fiorina’s ability to ignore facts and create her own reality, the same trait that drew them to Scott Walker.
Dick Cheney Plants Kiss of Death on Kevin McCarthy
On Wednesday evening, October 7th, Dick Cheney endorsed House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy for Speaker of the House. Cheney’s endorsement was straightforward, “As a man of the House and a former member of the House leadership, I know that Kevin McCarthy is the person we need as Speaker in these dangerous and important times.” (To read more: http://www.politico.com/story/2015/10/dick-cheney-kevin-mccarthy-214545#ixzz3nzsf1385)
Today, Thursday October 8th, less than 1 day after receiving Cheney’s endorsement, Kevin McCarthy held a press conference to remove himself from consideration as House Speaker.
Now I could stop there and let you enjoy the irony. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself. I really can’t top that ironic sequence of events with a punchline, but my legion of fans (now having grown into the mid single digits) has come to expect me to at least make a jokey effort, so here we go …
Republican leadership wants Donald Trump out of the primary race. Their course is now clear. Get Dick Cheney to endorse Donald Trump.
Jeb Stumps Staff
Place: Jeb! Bush Campaign Headquarters
Jeb to Campaign Staff: “How is it possible that I am now polling at 4%?”
Campaign Staff: “Stuff happens.”
NIU Turns Down Chicago Bears Trade Offer
Chicago Bears GM Ryan Pace has been busy churning the roster, trading veterans Jared Allen and Jon Bostic, while cutting Brock Vereen and signing some free agents to the roster. However, the biggest roster churn attempted by the Bears will not occur. Northern Illinois University has declined the Bears offer to trade rosters. “Our goal is to win the MAC (Mid-American Conference) and compete for the national title,” said NIU Athletic Director Sean Frazier. “I’m satisfied that the roster we have is the best one for us to reach those goals,” concluded Frazier.
Nobody from the Bears front office was available for comment as they were all reportedly scouting a Northwestern University practice.
Jared Allen Traded for 9th Round Draft Choice
The Jared Allen era as a Chicago Bear ended with a trade to the Carolina Panthers for a 9th round draft choice and a bag of new footballs. It was originally reported that Allen was traded for a 6th round draft choice, but apparently the paperwork was read upside down. When reminded that there are only 7 rounds in the NFL draft, Bears GM Ryan Pace was quick to comment, “I want to emphasize that the footballs are brand new.”
Martian Water Wars
The news from NASA confirming evidence of water on Mars has generated great interest in the State of California. Still reeling from drought and wildfires, California is looking at all alternatives for water resources. A spokesperson for Governor Jerry Brown commented, “Getting the water from Mars to reservoirs in California may seem logistically challenging, but with taxpayers footing the bill, it is worth a look.”
Chicago Bears Considering Forfeit Option
The Chicago Bears management team at Halas Hall is considering options after opening the season at 0-3 and losing their starting quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. A source at Halas Hall indicates that Bears brass is considering whether or not forfeiting the rest of the season will result in a better record than if they continue to play the rest of their scheduled games. “The decision may come after the Oakland Raiders game,” the source explained. “I mean, if we can’t beat the Raiders, why play the rest of the schedule? If we forfeit, we only lose 2-0 according to NFL rules. That may be the best we can hope for this season. We can replay games from the ’85 season on the Jumbotron screens and still pack Soldier Field with drunken fans screaming about Da’ Bears. We can rest, get our guys healthy, take the first pick in the draft, and get ready for next season.” Fans surveyed overwhelmingly endorsed the plan and invariably launched into a discussion about Da’ Coach.
Republicans Plan New Debate Format
With the number of Republican Presidential Primary Candidates not declining as quickly as expected, the Republican National Committee is considering a change in their debate format. The current format of an overloaded main debate among candidates leading in the polls as well as a “kiddie-table” debate among those candidates at the bottom of the polls has proven cumbersome at best. Continue reading “Republicans Plan New Debate Format”
Pope Francis Disappointed in US Visit
As the USA welcomes Pope Francis to the country, word has leaked out that Pope Francis is unhappy with the itinerary provided for his trip. Sources indicate that the Pontiff expressed disappointment that despite being in the States for almost a week, there are no visits scheduled to see the Padres, Angels or Cardinals play baseball.
Bears Make Extra Preparations for Seahawks
The Chicago Bears have their hands full this week with extra preparations prior to playing the Seattle Seahawks this weekend. Bears General Manager Ryan Pace explained, “Coach John Fox is very busy this week preparing a gameplan for our guys to execute against the Seahawks, but our front office is even busier this week. We know the Seahawks are an excellent team, and an angry team after losing to the Packers last Sunday to start the season 0-2. We expect to absorb a few deaths this weekend in the course of the game, so we have front office people busy making preparations to ship bodies back to Chicago. Of course, I am occupied combing the free agent list for potential replacements.” The Vegas over/under line for Chicago Bear deaths at the hands of the Seahawks is currently set at 2.5.
New Xenophobia Study
A new article published in the New England Journal of International Studies revealed that 96% of xenophobes in the USA queried did not know what xenophobia is. Of that 96% that did not know what xenophobia is, 100% didn’t like the sound of it because it sounded too foreign and strange.
Mike Huckabee Suggests Future Cabinet Nominees
Mike Huckabee gave America a glimpse of his future Cabinet if elected President when he suggested anti-gay marriage Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis and her husband as possible nominees for Secretary of Health & Human Services and Secretary of Agriculture, respectively. America responded by doing its best to “unsee” that picture of the future.
Rick Perry Volunteers to Secure Borders in Advance of Papal Visit to USA
After withdrawing from the Republican presidential primary, former Texas Governor Rick Perry discovered that he didn’t have much on his plate anymore except waiting around for the felony charge pending against him to work it’s way through the court system. With a visit from Pope coming up, Perry decided to pitch in to get Texas ready for the Papal visit. The Pope is not scheduled to visit Texas, and Rick Perry aims to keep it that way. He’s lending a hand with inflatable fencing to ring the state with the goal to keep the Pontiff out.
“If the Pope sees the greatness of the state of Texas, he may just choose to settle here … illegally,” Perry suggested. He continued, “I mean, where he lives is full of Italians and he’s Hispanic. Why wouldn’t he choose Texas?”
When asked about the effectiveness of an inflatable fence, Perry replied, “He’s an older man, so these inflatable fences should be a cost-effective way to keep the Pope out, unless he brings his Vatican Guard to help storm the border.” Mr. Perry declined to comment on the likelihood that the Pope would fly into a Texas airport rather than walking or driving the Popemobile across the border.
President Obama Looks Past Presidency with GMC Deal
While not confirmed by the White House, it appears that President Obama is preparing for life after the Presidency by inking a deal with car and truck manufacturer GMC. President Obama recently bypassed Congress and renamed Alaska’s Mount McKinley as Denali prior to his planned trip to Alaska. While visiting Alaska, the President responded to questions about the name change for the highest peak in the USA. “Alaska is a state of unimaginable beauty, like the interior of a GMC Acadia Denali crossover that Michelle and I find to be so comfortable to ride in when we go out for a night on the town. The Alaskan countryside is also rugged and strong, like a GMC Sierra Denali truck that is great for hauling materials for my weekend projects without sacrificing the comfort and luxury that we’ve come to expect from the Denali package. But President McKinley wouldn’t know about any of that, having never visited Alaska or driven any quality GMC vehicle with the premium Denali package.”
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 