I want to make sure that I fulfill my New Year’s Resolutions in 2016. I don’t want to backslide on dieting. I don’t want to fail to exercise. I don’t want to spend what I had resolved to save. I want a sure thing when it comes to resolutions in 2016. I have a plan.
From now until the end of the year, I plan to be a very bad person with terrible habits. Then I can resolve to stop those terrible habits in 2016. After 1 week of those habits, I am fairly confident that I will be able to stop those habits and fulfill my New Year’s Resolutions in 2016. The question is, what habits should I adopt between now and New Years Day?
Heroin addiction seemed like the obvious choice to me, but I am wary about breaking that habit come 1/1/16. So I brainstormed and made a list.
- Sentence finishing. Whenever anyone speaks, I will finish their sentence for them. Is there any habit as heinous and annoying?
- Posting daily how much I love my wife on Facebook. While I do love my wife, absolutely nobody else cares. Nobody. Even she may not.
- Talking incessantly about how successful my kids are and never asking about anyone else’s family. Just the worst.
- Describing in great detail my daily bathroom “issues.” I don’t have any, so the challenge will be in creating those bathroom issues in a timely fashion before the end of the year so I can describe them in great detail. I’m torn between cutting fruits & vegetables out of my diet or going 100% fruits & vegetables, but am unsure what will produce faster results. I suppose I could do nothing different diet-wise and just lie about having bathroom issues. That kind of doubles down on the badness. So let’s change that to lying in great detail about daily bathroom issues.
- Recruiting friends for multi-level marketing sales. Anyone up for screwing friends out of money with a pyramid scheme masquerading as a legitimate business?
Why settle for 1 or 2? It may sound ambitious, but I think I will try all five.
Time for some practice.
Friend: Hey Jim, did you see …
Me: That special on TV about achieving financial security in 2016? It was great. I liked the part about becoming a Joyful Juice Lifestyle Consultant, which I just happen to be. Before making Joyful Juice a part of my life, I had all sorts of problems with a regular daily bowel movement. My stools were hard and infrequent resulting in hemorrhoids. Since becoming a Joyful Juice Lifestyle Consultant, my stools are soft and regular and I don’t bleed rectally anymore. By the way, you can be a Joyful Juice Lifestyle Consultant with just a $500 investment. You want to be successful, don’t you? You want your kids to have a good role model don’t you? My kids are killing it out there in the real world, and I’m convinced it is because of the success I’ve had with Joyful Juice and the role model I am for them.
Friend: I really don’t think …
Me: You have the money? Don’t worry about that. We’ll put you on a payment plan. Look, I love my wife so much that I felt it was my responsibility to provide better for her by becoming a Joyful Juice Lifestyle Consultant.
Friend: I think I should …
Me: I think you should, too! Let’s do this thing. I just sent you a Facebook friend request from my Joyful Juice Lifestyle Consultant Facebook page. Check out my last post of my wife vacuuming. Isn’t she amazing?
Well, I definitely think this could work. I am confident I can easily stop doing those things come New Year’s Day and make my resolutions stick in 2016. However, this plan does seem a bit convoluted, and it may cost me some friends along the way. Also, I already bought the heroin, so anyone got a light?
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 