Dear American Employers,

I am writing to you to ask that you please excuse any hungover employees today. They are likely hungover due to watching Donald Trump’s State of the Union address. They probably played a drinking game associated with the Trump SOTU address, possibly a drink every time Trump sniffed or made a partisan comment. And really, drinking was the only way to get through that whole speech of his. Please cut the hungover drunks some slack today. They are patriots and were just doing their civic duty.

Resistingly yours,

Jim Flanigan