Tag: comedy

Biden Camp Wary of Open Podium at Democratic Debate

~ Jim Flanigan

While Joe Biden ponders whether or not to throw his hat into the Presidential race, his advisers are working behind the scenes to remove the open podium that is available for him at the first Democratic presidential debate. “In case of Biden break out podium number 6. Here it is folks,” says senior White House correspondent Jim Acosta on Twitter.

Open Podium for Joe Biden
Open Podium for Joe Biden

Biden’s camp is concerned that if Mr. Biden does not participate in the debate, then the viewing public may find the open podium more dynamic, interesting and appealing than the actual candidate himself.

Trump Miffed By Democratic Debate Snub

~ Jim Flanigan

Donald Trump is making headlines again as he is reportedly upset about being left out of the first Democratic presidential debate. Trump blasted the Democrat’s decision to exclude him saying, “I was a registered Democrat for years and am a front-runner for President. I belong on that stage to take on Hillary, the old guy and the rest of the losers. Nobody can beat me this election. Nobody can beat me except me. I want the opportunity to beat myself.” I think most of America does.

Democrats Establish Ground Rules for First Presidential Debate

~ Jim Flanigan

In an attempt to avoid the circus-like atmosphere at the Republican debates, the Democrats have established some ground rules for the first upcoming CNN debate between the Democratic candidates. Of the five Democratic candidates that have been invited to the debate, only two will be allowed to speak, poll leaders Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. A spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee explained, “We want the leading candidates to be able to freely exchange ideas. We want the other candidates that are wasting their time and money not to waste ours and just butt out. But you know us liberals, we want to appear fair to everyone.” Continue reading “Democrats Establish Ground Rules for First Presidential Debate” →

Koch Brothers Support Carly Fiorina

~ Jim Flanigan

Although not directly funding the Carly Fiorina campaign yet, the conservative billionaire Koch Brothers have started throwing support Carly Fiorina’s way. As the Koch Brothers continue to explore which Republican candidate to support since their first choice Scott Walker has left the primary race, they have made an initial overture of support to Carly Fiorina. As a first step, the Koch Brothers have made arrangements to pay for the plastic surgery necessary to smooth Ms. Fiorina’s chin cellulite.

Carly Fiorina Chin Cellulite
Carly Fiorina Chin Cellulite

Reportedly, the Koch Brothers are attracted to Fiorina’s ability to ignore facts and create her own reality, the same trait that drew them to Scott Walker.

Dick Cheney Plants Kiss of Death on Kevin McCarthy

~ Jim Flanigan

On Wednesday evening, October 7th, Dick Cheney endorsed House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy for Speaker of the House.  Cheney’s endorsement was straightforward, “As a man of the House and a former member of the House leadership, I know that Kevin McCarthy is the person we need as Speaker in these dangerous and important times.”  (To read more: http://www.politico.com/story/2015/10/dick-cheney-kevin-mccarthy-214545#ixzz3nzsf1385)

Today, Thursday October 8th, less than 1 day after receiving Cheney’s endorsement, Kevin McCarthy held a press conference to remove himself from consideration as House Speaker.

Now I could stop there and let you enjoy the irony. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself. I really can’t top that ironic sequence of events with a punchline, but my legion of fans (now having grown into the mid single digits) has come to expect me to at least make a jokey effort, so here we go …

Republican leadership wants Donald Trump out of the primary race. Their course is now clear. Get Dick Cheney to endorse Donald Trump.

cheney trump

Jeb Stumps Staff

~ Jim Flanigan

Place: Jeb! Bush Campaign Headquarters

Jeb to Campaign Staff: “How is it possible that I am now polling at 4%?”

Campaign Staff: “Stuff happens.”

NIU Turns Down Chicago Bears Trade Offer

~ Jim Flanigan

Chicago Bears GM Ryan Pace has been busy churning the roster, trading veterans Jared Allen and Jon Bostic, while cutting Brock Vereen and signing some free agents to the roster. However, the biggest roster churn attempted by the Bears will not occur. Northern Illinois University has declined the Bears offer to trade rosters. “Our goal is to win the MAC (Mid-American Conference) and compete for the national title,” said NIU Athletic Director Sean Frazier. “I’m satisfied that the roster we have is the best one for us to reach those goals,” concluded Frazier.

Nobody from the Bears front office was available for comment as they were all reportedly scouting a Northwestern University practice.

Jared Allen Traded for 9th Round Draft Choice

~ Jim Flanigan

The Jared Allen era as a Chicago Bear ended with a trade to the Carolina Panthers for a 9th round draft choice and a bag of new footballs. It was originally reported that Allen was traded for a 6th round draft choice, but apparently the paperwork was read upside down. When reminded that there are only 7 rounds in the NFL draft, Bears GM Ryan Pace was quick to comment, “I want to emphasize that the footballs are brand new.”

Martian Water Wars

~ Jim Flanigan

The news from NASA confirming evidence of water on Mars has generated great interest in the State of California. Still reeling from drought and wildfires, California is looking at all alternatives for water resources. A spokesperson for Governor Jerry Brown commented, “Getting the water from Mars to reservoirs in California may seem logistically challenging, but with taxpayers footing the bill, it is worth a look.”